Pick me ups for a low day

Got to love a visit from the Auntie, puts you in a bad mood when you know she's due for a visit and makes that craving devil on your shoulder talk louder and louder and louder.  Go on, have a whole pack of maltesers, it'll make those stomach cramps feel soooo much better.  I know I shouldn't listen to the craving devil, I know the craving devil lies.  And I know right now the craving devil is sitting pretty with a smirk on it's face rubbing it's fat belly with a mission accomplished (and a half!).  So, what to do on a day like today.  The thing not to do is go to Morrisons and let it off the leash with a promise you'll pay for whatever it wants.  It feels great for about 10 minutes. Then you just feel sick.  Then guilty.  Then a failure.  And so on.

So, here's how today has gone so far.  On Saturday I had a fall, went my full length after tripping in a pot hole in a car park.  Humiliating enough, but not a single solitary person came to my aid, there were lots about and not a single one of them even asked if I was ok.  After giving myself a mental once over, I decided nothing was in too bad a shape and got up.  And then noticed the looks.  These people that chose to leave me on the floor were looking at me in absolute disgust, like I was so drunk I could not function, I was appalled at their reaction to me, I'd only tripped up!  The only interaction I had was from one woman who pointed at the broken keyring I'd left on the floor.  So, I could have had any kind of injury, broken bones, the works, and the only reaction was someone who thought I may be littering!  That makes me incredibly sad, is that what our country has come to?  I am willing to acknowledge that my own reaction may be slightly influenced by the impending arrival of Aunt Flo.  I'd just like her to arrive and get on with it this time round.  I'm going on holiday on Friday, the last thing I need to be worrying about is the perils of sitting on a plane for 4 hours and if there is enough room to "freshen" in the plane loos.  Oh the joys of being a female!

Back to today.  An overwhelming need to be comforted by carbs.  Chocolate carbs in the main.  Chocolate muffins if I'm being more precise.  And so to Morrisons for stock.  I've eaten 2 muffins, half a packet of golden crunch creams (half price) and a pack of cheese puffs.  And that's it.  Not much of a rebellion really, and I left no room for lunch.  We're now on 4pm and I still feel full to the brim.  My plan to eat the former weight of my left leg in junk food has backfired miserably (or joyfully, depending on your viewpoint I guess).  I planned 2 McDonalds breakfast wraps followed by a chicken pizza for lunch, followed by the rest of yesterdays beef with chips and gravy for tea, interspersed with 4 muffins, the cheese puffs, assorted biscuits (I got cookies for heavens sake!) and maybe one of the packets of haribo I've got for the plane.  Oh, and not forgetting the "share" size bag (share?  who are they kidding?) of maltesers and minstrels for this evenings BGT viewing.  

And the good part of all that - I AM AN OVEREATING FAILURE!! 

Lovely, I have today discovered that I am physically and mentally incapable of having a total blow out on food.  We have indeed made some progress on this plan.  Ha ha ha.  Think I've just woken my craving devil from his hearty cheese puff snooze and he's not too happy.  Shame, I'm not listening to him again today.  I had a notion a short while ago to get out my fat clothes and try them on.  I'll make a mental note to do this every time I'm feeling a bit fat.  I have sold the majority of my clothes, I've no intention of needing them again, but I've kept a pair of jeans I used to roll myself into at my fattest, and a skirt that used to strain so much with my belly that the zip came down when I sat - I've got a picture of me wearing it a couple of days after I met Andrew on my "before" board.  Just for fun I thought I'd try both legs in one leg of the jeans.  I'm sure there is something a little odd about being on your own and laughing out loud, but that's what I did.  I can get both of my legs into one leg of those jeans.  Wow.  And the skirt, just entirely enormous, like a camouflage tent, even if I stick my belly right out in it's current bloated state, it still falls straight off.  And so I'm laughing.  Loudly.  Aunt Flo sent along her bestest set of craving devils and I'm just laughing.

I am a thinner person than I was, considerably thinner.  And there's nothing like seeing that for yourself to reinforce a fantastic achievement that has changed my life :)

This stuff isn't all that easy

Gosh, it's so hard doing normal. I keep flipping in and out of ketosis, challenging myself to have a "normal" day, trying out different carb types, seeing what happens.  I totally don't trust myself not to put my weight back on, I am so nervous of overeating but keep having a go to see what happens! Then I decide to go back to low carb, then to packs, then to juddd, arghhhhh!!!  It's going to be a longer process than I thought. Then I see people who have just plain stuck to the plan and are almost at target and I start to wish I'd done that too.

What I need to remember I think is that I am a size 12. I do not for one minute believe that, cause my size 12's are holiday clothes, mainly in light jersey. But I got 12's (ooh, and a couple of 10's) cause my 14's were looking baggy. My size 14 skinny (!) jeans are too big on the waist. All my new undies are size 12. So, I guess I must be a size 12. I won't ever manage that on the top half though, cause even though my 34 back bra's are now on the tightest hook, I need a double F cup - wont be squeezing those bad boys into a cotton button up blouse in a 12 at any point ever!  I seriously need my head to catch up, and I seriously need to bin this daft bmi thing (I'm still obese on there), I need to forget the scales and judge me on how I look in my clothes.

Today has been a shocking carb overload day, an entire day of junk, and I feel dreadful once again. I am wondering how many times I will conduct this particular experiment before I start to believe the results! But - another result that has been repeated - an overwhelming urge to walk off the effects, get moving and do some exercise.  Brilliant!  I've cycled twice this week, first time was incredibly ouch, second time enjoyable. Missed out today with the awful weather but looking forward to next time - now that's a novelty!

So, the journey is ongoing, with little twists and turns along the way.  Been thinking more about being a consultant. It's most important to me not to be a poor consultant, so it feels right to keep on thinking for now, still have some of my own questions to answer before I feel ready to answer them from others.

Dieting for the mind - how to get my fat head thinner

It's been an interesting week or so.  I decided some time ago to go with the flow of things and take the learning points from them, so that's what I've done again.  Went back onto low carb - to lesson the pain of reaching ketosis I decided to do this with some yummy fatty food and then switch to vlc once I got there.  Good plan, but then got a poorly bug, had a wickedly high temperature for a few days and was dizzy in the extreme - a hideous bug for me as I really don't do well with lightheadedness at the best of times.  So vlc kind of happened as I didn't feel much like eating.  All in all, lost the 9lb I gained on holiday and coming out of ketosis last time during that week.

Then something happened.  I'm not sure what.  I was entirely focused on acheiving a specific goal for my holidays and had decided to up my calories from vlc to around 1000-1200 a day and do some exercise.  It didn't happen.  Bread happened.  I don't know how or why but I was overtaken by the urge to have what everyone else was having.  Bread, cake, chocolate, crisps.  So I did.  And I did not enjoy any of it.  Back to the stomach cramps, dreadful bloating, sitting all afternoon wanting to go to the loo, being absolutely full to the brim with trapped wind.  Just awful.  But I kept on doing it for a good few days.  I could taste sugar all the time, unbearably sweet fake tasting sugar.  Yuck.  So then I got to thinking once again - how can I low carb in a healthy way as a life plan.

Just as a small aside to remind myself really, it may or may not have had an influence - my Dad has taken to calling me "skinny minny" and my Mum thinks I have lost enough weight now, and jokingly (I think) pleaded with me "not to go anorexic" on her.  I think that flipped a switch that helped me to see how much I've lost and started the train of thought about accepting me for what I look like rather than what I weigh (still obese by the way - only just, but I'm still there all the same on the good old bmi scale).  From doing the diet clubs at work I know that there is a whole range of weight:dress size ratios out there, and I really should be more accepting of where I sit in that.  And so, back to the thinking.

I need to know the why of things.  If I understand the reasoning behind things, I find them a whole lot easier to get on with.  So, if a plan tells me I need to drink upwards of 3 litres of water a day, I want to know why.  This plan is telling me that I can't drink alcohol while in ketosis, but not giving me the why of that. Not that I'm much of a drinker, but I need to understand the dangers of drinking alcohol if I'm planning that my future eating is going to be low carb based.  So off I went on a trawl to find out what I could find out :).  And that's when I came across Dr Michael R Eades blog.  Gosh that man talks some sense about low carbing and the whole process of ketosis.  I'm still reading through it all, but I've learnt so much about the mechanics of ketosis and energy supplies in the body, that I'm actually feeling like I have some control.  I've discovered how to get back into ketosis quickly (my high fat flip back in from a couple of weeks ago was exactly the right way to do it, although I hadn't realised it at the time), the role of water, what insulin resistance does, what dehydration does, why I need to up my salt - all the things I kind of knew about but didn't quite understand, it all makes total sense to me now.  I've been pointed in the direction of a book that will give me all the science I need to understand the full workings of the human engine and for the first time I feel back in control of me and what I am doing to my body.

Not quite got to the alcohol part yet, but it's been a very interesting journey this weekend all the same.  I now totally get the similarities and differences between ketosis and ketoacidosis, I understand metabolic syndrome and how insulin locks fat into cells and patrols round to stop it getting out again (and how to change that!) amongst many other things that perhaps I would have learned more about if I'd paid more attention in biology (the krebs cycle rang a familar bell!).  I've found my interest and I'm back there in the zone.

Wish I knew how I flipped out of it, perhaps it was to take me on this pathway to getting a better understanding.  Perhaps this better understanding will give me a better basis for my future.  Who can say at this point.  All I do know is that I'm buying clothes in a 12 or 14 so I must be getting quite thin!