30 day challenge to sit down in my jeans

I have a plan, I know, I've had these plans before then life goes and gets in the way. I'm not sure I should look at it like that, or whether life is just a great excuse for a binge every now and again. I certainly feel like a very different person to a year ago, and I certainly feel like I know much more about myself and my food relationships than I did then, but I'm starting to wonder when the time will come when I've done enough research! I know I'm an emotional eater, I know I crave carbs even when they make me ill, I've researched all that very thoroughly indeed.  I've been thinking for a while about doing something different, seeing what it's like, what else am I actually capable of - cause I never believed I was capable of this level of weight loss. And in the grand scheme of things I've pretty much maintained the loss I got to (I have added a good few pounds on top of the keto gain, but overall I've not put on anything like I have in the past). So what can I do different? 

Exercise.  I've always hated it, always avoided it as much as I could. But I wonder if I could do it now. I'm going to give it a go. I can do S&S when the weather is cooler, I do it last year through to Christmas and did it very well indeed, and so I will go back to do 100% when I return from holiday (yes, another holiday, yes, another holiday to Içmeler), and until then I am going to tone. Gillian Micheals will be my new guru, and I've found a new wii dance game I didn't even know I had. Add to this the cross trainer and vibroplate and I should be well on the way to buff by the end of September. I need to remember that I bloat terribly on the heat, so I need all these clothes to be a bit on the big side to allow for that :)

Right, best go get some beauty sleep, I'm needing plenty ;)

Guess what I just realised!

This is nuts. A thought entered my head today and then blossomed like a sunrise, entirely illuminating everything in a slow beautiful all consuming way.  I have no idea where it came from, or if I've had it before and ignored it, but it's so simple and so incredibly life changing too.

It's ok to eat.

There you go, it's as straightforward as that. It's ok to eat. I am an adult, I make my own choices, and if want to eat something, then it's absolutely fine for me to do that. I really needed to give myself that permission, to lose the naughty or rebellious child desire to stuff as much food in as possible before getting caught and being in trouble, to stop the guilt of overeating. I know, in full and graphic detail, where my food choices lead - choose carb heavy and my body feels poisoned, choose less carbs and it starts to wake up again.  Surely I can trust myself to choose in the full knowledge of what happens afterwards?

The short and long is, I don't like this bloat, I don't like how I feel, I don't like the pain and the discomfort, I feel dreadful. I feel better if I eat less, if I choose lighter carb options. I feel better without the bloat.

So there we are, I have a choice, and I choose to make my own decisions with my own free will, without guilt and with full understanding of what happens next...

(And what happens next is I stick with my plan to be back with vlcd by mid October)

:)

Creating headspace to learn from

I had my little break. Still having from the S&S pages. Spent a lot of time thinking things through and wondering why I was so affected by the negatives thoughts and opinions of people that really don't matter to me. I've concluded that its because of the bullying behaviour, took me right back to all those years of putting up and shutting up and not being able to stand up and fight. With hindsight it's easy enough to spot a bully - or perhaps they should be referred to by their new cyber identity of being trolls. Nice when others are looking, but digging away with snidey remarks waiting for an explosive reaction, then going back to their poor me, it's not me it's them sympathy card. Bullies the world over play the same pattern regardless of the media they use. And people like me get sucked in each time, and are far more affected than we should be.

I now intend to look upon those people with a view of sympathy. A view that considers their own low self esteem that can only be increased by making others feel worse than they do about themselves. These are the ones in most need of the support of others I think.  I've had a really hideous week, it's been so bad in all areas because of how I let this affect me, and I'm not prepared to let that happen again just to make someone else feel good.  I have however, been able to conduct an intense experiment into the effects of carbs and stress on my body, I've really taken that to the outer limits and beyond! In the last few days of over eating I've called upon Dr Beck and considered carefully how I feel after eating my foods of choice in the quantities I have chosen. The answer is quite simply - shocking.  I wonder how many times I am going to conduct this particular experiment before I'm convinced of the findings.  Carbs make me feel like garbage. I am lethargic but can't sleep a full night, I have bags under my eyes, my skin is dull, my hair brittle. My knees hurt all the time, so do my wrists, I have trigger finger throughout the day, I have spots and dry patches side by side, my skin itches.  I have painful bloat by the afternoon every day and feel sick when I eat. But worst of all - burning awful painful heartburn, not had that at all since starting S&S. oh, I also have excema back on my hands.  I had none of this with low carbing.

So, what is the way forward? I still want to lose this extra stone, but I think the time is not right for a vlcd right now. I need to know that I can have control with regular food, and I need to stop this emotional cycle of poisoning myself with carb heavy crap. Is important I think to feel substance for now and to get a handle on snacking, so I've bought food I need to cook, proper meals, lower the snacks and work back from there when I am confident I'm under control. If Andrew doesn't get the Russia job, we're going to have a late week in Içmeler at the beginning of October, so my aim is to return to vlcd after that and get this last daft hanging around where it's not wanted stone done and dusted by Christmas.  So, lets get to it, chargrilled veg and hunters chicken on the way :)

Entirely disillusioned with my fellow humans

Well, what can I say. Time after time I seem able to see only the best in people to then be let down.  So very sad, but probably very naive of me to think that just because someone has caught the same bus I'm on, that they share the same destination as me. Or that they chose to get on that bus for the same reasons as me.  

I've decided tonight to withdraw my entry from the S&S competition, it's already turned into a back biting fight by people confusing opinion with fact.  There are some folk out there that could do to spend an hour in the shoes of someone else, and go shopping in them to the compassion store to stock up in bulk.  I guess it's just a reflection of life, but it's been a shock to me how awfully (and I do mean awfully, not just as a posher very) competitive some people are, and how many others don't understand just what a huge thing going public with their very personal journey is for some.  The me me me has saddened me.

I think this may be my last blog for a while, and I think it's time for a break from those people.

Let the voting commence (and blessed greetings for Lammas Day) (and eh up lass for Yorkshire Day)

1st August. I think I knew 4 years ago that 1st August would be a significant day, it was the day I decided to have two tiny hearts tattooed on the inside of my wrist. It's Yorkshire Day, the county of my birth and where I've lived for much of my life, and it's Lammas Day too - the Pagan festival to worship the nature Gods and hope for a good harvest. It would be normal to make an offering of bread and wine today - I shall have to consider a ketogenic vlc alternative!

But, for this year, 2013, 1st August has a whole other huge massive scary smiley jump up and down with joy so very nervous rambling a bit now significance. It's the day my weight loss story (along with 33 other brave souls) goes live to the very big worldwide platform that is Facebook.  Me, overweight Nicola, failed dieter Nicola, yes I'm trying another wacky eating plan Nicola, is telling the world how bloody proud I am of what I've achieved with Slim & Save.  With pictures too! I am so excited, and so nervous.  It's a competition, and 3 of us will win an iPad.  But it's so not about that - I'm not just saying that now cause I won't win, preparing my oh well they deserved it more face - genuinely this is so much bigger and so much more significant than winning an iPad. This is telling the whole world that I have successfully lost weight, that I have achieved such a massive thing for me (no pun intended!). This is really the start of my new life, one where I value my achievements in all things, one where I am comfortable with me.  One where I can stand up and do karaoke and not care a stuff if I'm out of tune cause I'll just be having a good time, one where I can just pull a face if someone points a camera my way instead of getting the angle right to minimise chins/arms/suck stomach in etc.

Right now I could cry, with excitement I think, but nervousness too, and more than a little anticipation.  Gosh it's so strange!  So, lets raise a glass of Coke Zero to all of us who have changed our life's with S&S, the ones who have entered this time round - and most of all, the ones who didn't quite feel ready to go public just yet.  Nothing would give me a warmer feeling than knowing that reading my story has helped someone else feel a little bit prouder of what they've done too.  Apart from peeing in a wetsuit, that gives a warm feeling I'm told, and now I can get in a wetsuit I wonder if I'll ever get the urge to try that out ;)

Day 6 of Simplicity - kind of....

Didn't make it back to update on Monday. I did the packs, think I did 4, but Monday seems like such a blur already. Monday turned into probably one of the very worst days of my life.  I don't think the details are ready for blogging, don't know if that is "yet" or "ever" but my life as I know it has changed. Anyway, this isn't supposed to be about other stuff, this is about my weight loss journey so it's probably best to stick with that and just say that my previous me (and my recent me) would have looked for help deep in the carb cupboard. I didn't do that.  I stuck to the plan.  And in the midst of all this going on around me I have made probably the most enormous step forward in my whole entire life.

Ok, all that sounds very deep, and I guess without the exact context of the circumstances it could be a little dramatic, but lets just keep the faith that I might just have cracked the emotional response trigger! I'm wondering when to do the official weigh in, I've always done Thursday morning as a rule, but I started my pack challenge on Friday, ooh the decisions I'm faced with lol.  I do know its Wednesday (progress there then!) and I'm already showing a significant difference on the scales. I can't pretend to be surprised on weigh day really, I am a daily weigher and then some. Don't see a huge issue with that really, I'm not looking for approval from that little patch of bathroom floor, instead I am genuinely curious about the daily fluctuations of my weight, and all that is particularly ok now my goal is not about what those scales say.  And, if you are stuck in being a slave to the harsh word of the bathroom scale, try going before and then immediately after a significant "sit down" to lighten the mood and laugh at the daftness of it all!

So, back to today, I'm up fairly early again, got stuff to be getting on with, long day at work.  Will take my extra packs with me so I can have them rather than be tempted elsewhere and will be back home in 12 hours or so.  Two day target now - stick with the plan, it's going great. Wearing my Next shift dress today - already it fits marvellously.  Can't bottle that :)

The start of a new week

I survived the weekend, in the flat by myself with a decent degree of temptation here, but I ignored it.  My target was to to complete 3 days just with packs.  I did that in the main - added some wafer thin ham and grated Parmesan to cheesy pasta twice, but overall I'm fairly pleased that that is a good result.  It's been months since I did any number of days just on packs.  So, I need another target:

Get through Monday on a max of 5 packs with added protein tonight.  

That sounds quite generous but I have noted that I have more triggers at work. At home I can control the environment, I can put Andrews food out of sight and not have tempting things here. At work I can't have that amount of control. I am surrounded by skinniest who munch all day long on garbage - doesn't seem fair does it, but I bet their cholesterol is higher than mine! So, generous but still on plan progress target.

Will return later to report in... :)