Another post already? You only did one yesterday.

Woke this morning full of beans.  Metaphorically speaking of course as beans are loaded with carbs.  Actually I didn't wake full of beans, my kitten did, and some of that has rubbed off on me.  Or more likely it's been scratched into the surface of my skin all over my entire body.  She's a kitten, a tiny one at that, and is absolutely the bounciest little creature I've ever come across.

This is relevant - put the kettle on, I'll get to it...

Molly has lived in her new forever home for 3 weeks.  She was a very small 8 week old when she arrived, very loving and quite serene, purred a lot and loved cuddles.  So, on the surface she seemed to be a happy little kitten.  The morning after she arrived it was abundantly obvious that she wasn't very well, her eyes and nose were snotty and she spent the morning sneezing.  She was still all those other things I'd seen on Friday night when she arrived though.  By Monday I had her to the vets, cat flu was suspected, and a course of antibiotics and eye drops was prescribed.  Now, I'm not kidding you, within half an hour she was an entirely different kitten.  She was a bundle of bouncing happiness, and she's got bouncier and bouncier every single day.  So, I guess from Molly, it can be learnt that an outside appearance can give a misleading impression of how one actually feels inside.  She must have been feeling dreadful, but in her short life she didn't know she could feel any better, so made the most of what her life was and just got on with it the best she could.  I have two other cats, and anyone who has cats will know it takes a little time for a newbie to be accepted - Molly was such a hurricane of energy that it took her a couple of weeks to not be hissed at.  The moment my old Taz allowed her to sit next to him - honestly, the joy was oozing out of her, she was so happy!  It was a moment for me that brought home how every single creature is capable of emotion, and to see such happiness in a tiny kitten was quite something.

Which brings me back to my own journey.  One of the difficult parts of it I think, is the difference I feel in myself and about myself.  I've been this relatively happy person for a long time, on the outside anyhow, but now I feel that on the inside too and I'm bouncier than I ever was.  That must be a bit strange to see.  People who have been in my life for a very long time must find it a bit odd to see and hear this person - the voice is the same and she looks a bit like she used to, but gosh, she looks very different and she bounces in a totally different way!  It's my journey through my choice, but it's also a journey that I've enforced on those around me.  I didn't discuss this with them before I started (my OH excepted, we did talk at length about going on a vlcd), I just enforced this change on them.  That must have been quite weird for them.  And, a time that I've not appreciated really.  I am quick enough to say that my journey has been life changing, it has, in so many ways (I'd like it to change my career too, but I'm working on that bit!) but it's also been life changing for those around me, and I don't think I've given enough thought to that.

I've taken my time to get used to the new me, my head is still catching up, and I still don't believe I'm actually not fat anymore.  But what about everyone else.  They can see the difference, and that's what they need to get used to, their journey of acceptance is different to mine, and it's not one of their choosing.  I guess for some of them it would feel natural to be worried about it, to be concerned that we've changed so much so quickly - surely there must be something wrong with us that we can't bring ourselves to share?  They may feel threatened by us, not in a violent way of course, but it may undermine the relationship dynamics, and perhaps they'll feel a little left behind if they can't match your bounce anymore.

Perhaps I should remember to bounce less at times :)

It's time for something positive

And so here I am again.  I really should write this more often, which I think, ironically, is the thing I've written most often on here.  I've just spent an hour reading through all my postings, it was a nice reminder of how far I've come, a little teary one at times, and an embarrassing one at others.  When you read through right from the start again you can tap into that original motivation, that hope and wonder of a fat girl wanting to change her life for the better. It's easy to get lost on the way, and do that human thing of focusing on all those posts about coming off plan, not giving a fig for a day or two, but really it should be about the fantastic achievement overall.

I felt more than a little sad reading about my euphoria at getting into a New Look size 16 - bless me!  That seems so long ago, and that euphoria has just become something that happens instead.  Why did I stop celebrating?  I guess when you've had a lifetime of not achieving personal goals, maybe it feels a bit conceited to keep on celebrating - I don't know, but I do know that I should be massively proud of what I've done.  I'm putting together my entry for the S&S Ipad competition this weekend and so got to looking at some old pictures once again.  There is one of me and Andrew, about 2 days after we met, and I remembered one almost identical from our April holiday - put the two together and what a blooming difference!  We've been together for a smidge over 3 years now, and I'm 7 stone lighter!  That's nuts, what's not to celebrate about that.

I have also reassessed (again!) where I want to be.  I've refocused my goals at long last away from what the scales say.  My goal are now about how I feel, how my clothes fit.  To achieve them I need to lose some more weight, but the weight loss is the journey to achievement rather than the achievement if that makes sense.  It's like learning to drive I guess, the goal is to pass your driving test, the goal isn't to have 27 driving lessons is it?  So my goal is to fit comfortably into a size 14 outfit of structured material all day.  That takes away the "yes it's a size 10 but it's jersey" issue out of my head, cause I can't work out that I'm not a 22 anymore cause I can actually get into a size 10, my head says it's not a 10 cause it's stretchy.  So, I know I bloat up terribly over the day if I don't stay hydrated (so that's a part of the goal too) - I might be comfortable at 6am in an outfit, but by 4pm I could rip it off.  My goal is that I'll feel just as comfortable at 4pm in a fabric dress with no stretch.

I've had the whole spectrum of sabotaging thoughts come back recently too, this hot weather hasn't helped much cause it's another chapter I've not used in my excuses book.  Funny how it's so much hotter every time we go to Turkey and I don't need the excuses, but hot in England - bleugh, it would dangerous not to include a packet of hobnobs in your daily sustenance!  The last few weeks have been a real battle with my head, probably the toughest battle yet, cause that battle is about me, not about how I've previously comforted outside circumstances with food, this has been about me and just me.  Funny, it dawned on me that these few months of maintaining and trying to learn about my food issues and how to trust myself around food, my body has shrunk.  That excess skin is going, I'm getting smaller.  Of course, my head said I was getting bigger again, here we go again, I can't be trusted to eat food blah blah blah.  Why are we always our own worst critic and so quick to judge ourselves in the worst possible light?

But there we go, I posted that photo of me and Andrew - what an amazing reaction.  It's lovely to be complimented, but most of all, it's fantastically powerful to see what you've achieved through the eyes of others.  Brings it all home.  Yes, I've done that.  Nobody else has done that, I've done that.  I am an achiever.  I am smashing my goals - me, I'm doing it!  Excellent!  I'm also studying for my future, something I've not done for a while.  I have two courses on the go - nutrition and weight consultancy, and nlp and life coaching.  I'm sure it'll all be personally beneficial and help me to make more sense of my journey.  My goal is to be able to do the same for others, first steps I think - to understand that for me.

And perhaps to take a little moment every now and again and be proud of who I am :)

This is really very hard!

I'm once again having that same old battle with my head. I know why, but have to wonder if it's the old demons trying to convince me to make excuses (or maybe I just think too much).  My biggest issue, not sure if its a fear but its a big issue for me that I don't cope too well with - feeling dizzy. I hardly drink these days and when I do, I don't do getting drunk at all cause I can't handle the dizzy stuff. I think the fear is that I will pass out - the embarrassment factor of that in public and the very real fear of doing so terrible damage if it were to happen at home where I'm alone for the majority of the time (kitties excepted of course).  I seem to get dizzy bugs often and I really don't like it!

The hot weather has arrived, my first hot weather in ketosis, I got dizzy, I blamed ketosis, I ate some crappy carbs.  I still felt dizzy, but also had awful arthritis hands once again along side bloating and nasty stomach pains.  Think I've managed to convinced myself that ketosis isn't the cause of dizzy. But now I'm out again and feeling like a failure again. I am unable to trust myself to be sensible with food which is pretty much the most ridiculous thing ever!  But the conclusion of that really is that I should wait til autumn comes around once again, I know I can do this through winter time, I should go with that. I should use this summer period to tone, and come to terms with me. My skin is shrinking back cause I've stabilised my weight I think, but my head thinks its cause its filling up again.  Been looking for a replacement denim skirt for ages as my other one is too big - found one today in Asda, decided I should get a 16 as denim tends to be small (that's an old "I'm not really this size, the sizing isn't right" thought!), so a 16 I got.  It's bloody massive!  So, the evidence is clearly there right before my eyes.

So why do I still feel so fat!

It's nearly July already!

Holiday all done and dusted. Had a fabulous time, and for the very first time I didn't give a fig about food (stepped in a few of them - figs - they are awfully sticky on your shoe). It was marvellous, liberating and another revelation to discover that holidays are not about food, or worrying about food, or having to eat cause its x o'clock.  It was brilliant. I ate when I was hungry. I ate what I wanted, which wasn't a great deal as it turns out.  I gained a hearty one pound in two weeks.  

Which leads me to conclude that successful weight loss is so much more about the head than the body.  I've spent many hours before, during and after this holiday giving serious consideration to becoming a consultant.  It's something I have wanted to do for very many years, and now I'm thinner, it's a dream that is within my grasp.  I've been a bit of a cheeky monkey and joined a Slimming World group - for research! I've signed up for 5 weeks and plan to observe the highs and lows of the psychology of the group, the dynamics and the motivation they gather from each other and the leader. I will also need to understand the plan a bit I think, to aid my cover!  I can't honestly see though, how a plan that has no restriction whatsoever on the volume of some food types can have so much success, I wonder if the winning members have been secretly doing a vlcd on the side?  Their magazine is just entirely dreadful, hardly a page that isn't about food, or becoming a consultant.  Of course, if too many succeed on their plan they'll have no members!

I've been poorly sick today with a hideous AF visit, once in a while my endo really takes hold and there is just nothing I can do but let it pass, so today has been spent in hot salty baths and lying in bed. It's passing now, but it ain't half horrible! BUT this month - no carb cravings, no deviating from plan, 100% in the zone, it's time to get to this target I keep thinking about, then I can make those dreams come true :)

Pick me ups for a low day

Got to love a visit from the Auntie, puts you in a bad mood when you know she's due for a visit and makes that craving devil on your shoulder talk louder and louder and louder.  Go on, have a whole pack of maltesers, it'll make those stomach cramps feel soooo much better.  I know I shouldn't listen to the craving devil, I know the craving devil lies.  And I know right now the craving devil is sitting pretty with a smirk on it's face rubbing it's fat belly with a mission accomplished (and a half!).  So, what to do on a day like today.  The thing not to do is go to Morrisons and let it off the leash with a promise you'll pay for whatever it wants.  It feels great for about 10 minutes. Then you just feel sick.  Then guilty.  Then a failure.  And so on.

So, here's how today has gone so far.  On Saturday I had a fall, went my full length after tripping in a pot hole in a car park.  Humiliating enough, but not a single solitary person came to my aid, there were lots about and not a single one of them even asked if I was ok.  After giving myself a mental once over, I decided nothing was in too bad a shape and got up.  And then noticed the looks.  These people that chose to leave me on the floor were looking at me in absolute disgust, like I was so drunk I could not function, I was appalled at their reaction to me, I'd only tripped up!  The only interaction I had was from one woman who pointed at the broken keyring I'd left on the floor.  So, I could have had any kind of injury, broken bones, the works, and the only reaction was someone who thought I may be littering!  That makes me incredibly sad, is that what our country has come to?  I am willing to acknowledge that my own reaction may be slightly influenced by the impending arrival of Aunt Flo.  I'd just like her to arrive and get on with it this time round.  I'm going on holiday on Friday, the last thing I need to be worrying about is the perils of sitting on a plane for 4 hours and if there is enough room to "freshen" in the plane loos.  Oh the joys of being a female!

Back to today.  An overwhelming need to be comforted by carbs.  Chocolate carbs in the main.  Chocolate muffins if I'm being more precise.  And so to Morrisons for stock.  I've eaten 2 muffins, half a packet of golden crunch creams (half price) and a pack of cheese puffs.  And that's it.  Not much of a rebellion really, and I left no room for lunch.  We're now on 4pm and I still feel full to the brim.  My plan to eat the former weight of my left leg in junk food has backfired miserably (or joyfully, depending on your viewpoint I guess).  I planned 2 McDonalds breakfast wraps followed by a chicken pizza for lunch, followed by the rest of yesterdays beef with chips and gravy for tea, interspersed with 4 muffins, the cheese puffs, assorted biscuits (I got cookies for heavens sake!) and maybe one of the packets of haribo I've got for the plane.  Oh, and not forgetting the "share" size bag (share?  who are they kidding?) of maltesers and minstrels for this evenings BGT viewing.  

And the good part of all that - I AM AN OVEREATING FAILURE!! 

Lovely, I have today discovered that I am physically and mentally incapable of having a total blow out on food.  We have indeed made some progress on this plan.  Ha ha ha.  Think I've just woken my craving devil from his hearty cheese puff snooze and he's not too happy.  Shame, I'm not listening to him again today.  I had a notion a short while ago to get out my fat clothes and try them on.  I'll make a mental note to do this every time I'm feeling a bit fat.  I have sold the majority of my clothes, I've no intention of needing them again, but I've kept a pair of jeans I used to roll myself into at my fattest, and a skirt that used to strain so much with my belly that the zip came down when I sat - I've got a picture of me wearing it a couple of days after I met Andrew on my "before" board.  Just for fun I thought I'd try both legs in one leg of the jeans.  I'm sure there is something a little odd about being on your own and laughing out loud, but that's what I did.  I can get both of my legs into one leg of those jeans.  Wow.  And the skirt, just entirely enormous, like a camouflage tent, even if I stick my belly right out in it's current bloated state, it still falls straight off.  And so I'm laughing.  Loudly.  Aunt Flo sent along her bestest set of craving devils and I'm just laughing.

I am a thinner person than I was, considerably thinner.  And there's nothing like seeing that for yourself to reinforce a fantastic achievement that has changed my life :)

This stuff isn't all that easy

Gosh, it's so hard doing normal. I keep flipping in and out of ketosis, challenging myself to have a "normal" day, trying out different carb types, seeing what happens.  I totally don't trust myself not to put my weight back on, I am so nervous of overeating but keep having a go to see what happens! Then I decide to go back to low carb, then to packs, then to juddd, arghhhhh!!!  It's going to be a longer process than I thought. Then I see people who have just plain stuck to the plan and are almost at target and I start to wish I'd done that too.

What I need to remember I think is that I am a size 12. I do not for one minute believe that, cause my size 12's are holiday clothes, mainly in light jersey. But I got 12's (ooh, and a couple of 10's) cause my 14's were looking baggy. My size 14 skinny (!) jeans are too big on the waist. All my new undies are size 12. So, I guess I must be a size 12. I won't ever manage that on the top half though, cause even though my 34 back bra's are now on the tightest hook, I need a double F cup - wont be squeezing those bad boys into a cotton button up blouse in a 12 at any point ever!  I seriously need my head to catch up, and I seriously need to bin this daft bmi thing (I'm still obese on there), I need to forget the scales and judge me on how I look in my clothes.

Today has been a shocking carb overload day, an entire day of junk, and I feel dreadful once again. I am wondering how many times I will conduct this particular experiment before I start to believe the results! But - another result that has been repeated - an overwhelming urge to walk off the effects, get moving and do some exercise.  Brilliant!  I've cycled twice this week, first time was incredibly ouch, second time enjoyable. Missed out today with the awful weather but looking forward to next time - now that's a novelty!

So, the journey is ongoing, with little twists and turns along the way.  Been thinking more about being a consultant. It's most important to me not to be a poor consultant, so it feels right to keep on thinking for now, still have some of my own questions to answer before I feel ready to answer them from others.

Dieting for the mind - how to get my fat head thinner

It's been an interesting week or so.  I decided some time ago to go with the flow of things and take the learning points from them, so that's what I've done again.  Went back onto low carb - to lesson the pain of reaching ketosis I decided to do this with some yummy fatty food and then switch to vlc once I got there.  Good plan, but then got a poorly bug, had a wickedly high temperature for a few days and was dizzy in the extreme - a hideous bug for me as I really don't do well with lightheadedness at the best of times.  So vlc kind of happened as I didn't feel much like eating.  All in all, lost the 9lb I gained on holiday and coming out of ketosis last time during that week.

Then something happened.  I'm not sure what.  I was entirely focused on acheiving a specific goal for my holidays and had decided to up my calories from vlc to around 1000-1200 a day and do some exercise.  It didn't happen.  Bread happened.  I don't know how or why but I was overtaken by the urge to have what everyone else was having.  Bread, cake, chocolate, crisps.  So I did.  And I did not enjoy any of it.  Back to the stomach cramps, dreadful bloating, sitting all afternoon wanting to go to the loo, being absolutely full to the brim with trapped wind.  Just awful.  But I kept on doing it for a good few days.  I could taste sugar all the time, unbearably sweet fake tasting sugar.  Yuck.  So then I got to thinking once again - how can I low carb in a healthy way as a life plan.

Just as a small aside to remind myself really, it may or may not have had an influence - my Dad has taken to calling me "skinny minny" and my Mum thinks I have lost enough weight now, and jokingly (I think) pleaded with me "not to go anorexic" on her.  I think that flipped a switch that helped me to see how much I've lost and started the train of thought about accepting me for what I look like rather than what I weigh (still obese by the way - only just, but I'm still there all the same on the good old bmi scale).  From doing the diet clubs at work I know that there is a whole range of weight:dress size ratios out there, and I really should be more accepting of where I sit in that.  And so, back to the thinking.

I need to know the why of things.  If I understand the reasoning behind things, I find them a whole lot easier to get on with.  So, if a plan tells me I need to drink upwards of 3 litres of water a day, I want to know why.  This plan is telling me that I can't drink alcohol while in ketosis, but not giving me the why of that. Not that I'm much of a drinker, but I need to understand the dangers of drinking alcohol if I'm planning that my future eating is going to be low carb based.  So off I went on a trawl to find out what I could find out :).  And that's when I came across Dr Michael R Eades blog.  Gosh that man talks some sense about low carbing and the whole process of ketosis.  I'm still reading through it all, but I've learnt so much about the mechanics of ketosis and energy supplies in the body, that I'm actually feeling like I have some control.  I've discovered how to get back into ketosis quickly (my high fat flip back in from a couple of weeks ago was exactly the right way to do it, although I hadn't realised it at the time), the role of water, what insulin resistance does, what dehydration does, why I need to up my salt - all the things I kind of knew about but didn't quite understand, it all makes total sense to me now.  I've been pointed in the direction of a book that will give me all the science I need to understand the full workings of the human engine and for the first time I feel back in control of me and what I am doing to my body.

Not quite got to the alcohol part yet, but it's been a very interesting journey this weekend all the same.  I now totally get the similarities and differences between ketosis and ketoacidosis, I understand metabolic syndrome and how insulin locks fat into cells and patrols round to stop it getting out again (and how to change that!) amongst many other things that perhaps I would have learned more about if I'd paid more attention in biology (the krebs cycle rang a familar bell!).  I've found my interest and I'm back there in the zone.

Wish I knew how I flipped out of it, perhaps it was to take me on this pathway to getting a better understanding.  Perhaps this better understanding will give me a better basis for my future.  Who can say at this point.  All I do know is that I'm buying clothes in a 12 or 14 so I must be getting quite thin!