I am in love!

Totally in love with this plan, totally in love with the effects on me, totally in love with how I feel in my head, totally in love with the comments I'm getting already - my OH is very happy! I love it!

32 days in the bag and this really does not feel like any kind of plan that on the face of it has so much not in it.  With S&S I can have a meal if I want to, it makes it so much more flexible and liveable.  I'm amused with myself that my choices of protein have been fish - I really fancied a fresh tuna steak and have had salmon too.  I'm not a big fish lover normally, but it seems to fit the new me.  Funny, Pauline Quirke had the same compulsion with LLL.  I'm being careful of what I'm having when, and tracking all the calories.  I feel a bit brighter having vegetables, but that's probably just a head reaction.

So, losses so far - another 4lb to add to the total, which is 23.5lb in 4 weeks.  Very very happy with that.  My jeans are massive, last years winter skirts (which I bought after losing 3 stone, but put 1 of them back on) are falling off.  It's amazing!  I've got 4 dresses in my wardrobe that have never been out as they are too tight, all would be great for Christmas but I really do think they'll all be too big by then!  Might have a little try on today and see how they are looking!

I'm very happy.  I've got 3 days off work to do that decorating I mentioned before, need to clear out my spare room and have it all painted by the end of Wednesday - then on Saturday, the paper will be going up.  Can't wait!  It's all super exciting, not least of which is that I'm actually doing it after sitting on my backside and thinking about it for so long.  Brilliant!

A lot has happened since Saturday

Where to start, I should have perhaps posted a bit more often but I seem to be really busy, and I am really busy, clearing out cupboards, preparing for decorating, doing ironing, doing exercise.  Not my old "busy" of there being a lot on the tv I want to watch!

Sunday I went shopping with an old friend.  I told her about my plan, that I was happy with coffee if she wanted a cake, and the day just went.  Then I had a bit of a funny turn in M&S and got all shaky, felt very hot and very very weak.  Stupid me hadn't been drinking water and I'd got well and truly dehydrated.  I'd missed a food pack too as we'd just kept on shopping, and so felt pretty shocking.  Easy solved and soon felt reasonable again, but wow! That was a lesson learnt.  I really did think there was something quite wrong and I was in danger of collapsing.  No ill effects, but I've been more tired in the last few days so this may be connected.

Today is day 7 of s&s and I am seriously loving it.  I even had a "meal" on Monday night as it allows veg and protein as an option if you want, so I added in a salmon fillet and some green veg to my mushroom pasta (most of which fed the microwave as I wasn't watching it!) - it was like nectar!  I had some veg left, so last night I had macaroni cheese with leeks and brocolli.  Lots of people on the forums add in 200g of veg every day to bulk up the packs and are continuing to have good losses.  I'm planning to have some more tonight, cause I've got it in the fridge, then see what tomorrow's weigh in will bring.  It's also important tonight that I have some reading time, as Wednesday was my counselling night, and I really must keep this side of things up, otherwise my progress in this first 4 weeks could be lost.  I've taken delivery this week of the 5 a day monthly pack, on the recommendation from the minimins support site as the cheapest way to order.  Still having 4 packs a day, this gives an extra week for less than the cost of an extra week.  So, given it's 10 weeks to Christmas, I just need to order all that again, and I'm covered to the point I originally committed my head too.  Have to admit to being super excited about what I'll look like by then! 

Feels good to get it out there

I'm onto day 3 of my new plan - I've decided for many reasons to start up with Slim and Save.  The packs are so much nicer and considerably cheaper.  It suits me for now so I'll see where I get to with it.  The online support communities are great, so much information is out there to help and assist.  I'm continuing with the exploration of my head and are feeling good.  It's certainly not all straightforward by any stretch of the imagination but I am continuing forward to wherever that will take me - I am positive it's a much nicer place.

I think I've wanted to lose myself over the years, and hide behind the protection of being someone else so I don't have to face or deal with me.  After a while though, me starts getting a bit antsy and wants to see what's going on, then it all gets a bit frustrating with a bit of a battle til me is hidden once again.  I've taken a different approach now, stopped swallowing my emotions, recognising the adult way to deal with difficult situations and refusing to let me be hidden again.  I have the right to be me, and I actually quite like me, so why do I keep hiding?

There are some really tough decisions to be made, but one thing I recognise that I haven't before, is that it is right to take all the time I need to make them.  Quick decisions are often rash decisions with me that I regret and then immediately reverse.  What I need is the time to think things through, to consider all the options, all the consquences and come to the right decision in my own time.  Not hiding all that behind a big plate of Chinese takeaway gives me lots of space to think about it.

Oooh, I forgot about my weight loss this week (much like I keep forgetting to have my packs!) - another 4.5lb taking me to 19.5lb in 3 weeks.  I'm seriously seriously impressed with that - I've done that!  Week 4 and I'm looking at exercising, time to start the toning.

Massive decision day!

I'm feeling rather proud of myself today.  I've made two very big decisions today and I feel I've given them both due consideration and weighed up the merits before reaching a conclusion.  One of them is about my weight loss journey, the other one is a personal situation that has been bothering me (to say the least) for almost a year.  I've handled both of them in an adult way and said what I need to say about how I feel without getting emotional about it.  I was getting anxious before making a phone call I needed to make, but for the first time I actually recognised that for what it was, and not as a need for food.  It was quite refreshing to acknowledge that.

The other decision - I have decided that I am not getting what I expected from LL counselling.  The content itself is excellent and I'm really getting into the self help elements of it, but the actual group sessions are a bit of a let down to be honest.  Group members seem to come and go, they don't contribute to the session and talk about cheating with a little giggle before we've started.  I have no idea who most of these people are, there are only 2 others who have been there each time I have, and as much as I want to contribute (and do) I don't feel confortable as that bonding is impossible with such transience.  So, I'm changing plans.  I'm not daft enough to think I can do this alone - I don't think I can, but I do have all the tools to be able to succeed.  I've decided to follow a different vlcd that has a lively online support network and see how it goes.  I have lots of resources to call upon, and have a counsellor lined up for private sessions if I feel the need.  I feel much happier about it all now - both situations.  I actually feel like for the first time in an incredibly long time, I am in control of my life and my decisions are my own.

Another Sunday in the bag

I've not written anything for a few days.  On one hand that's quite good, cause progress is being made towards this being normal.  On the other hand, this is great therapy and good to read back to see how I'm getting on.  So, I think I should make a bit more effort.  What I have been making an effort on, is recognising what ego state I'm in at particular times and consider how I could have handled situations in a different way if I'd chosen a different ego state.  I'm feeling a bit wiped out, but that's nothing unusual I don't think, about 3/4 of my workplace has a stinking cold, so it's bound to come my way, although I don't feel like I've got one just yet, I have been a bit lightheaded at times.  Need to get used to trapped wind too, cause it don't half blooming hurt! 

Cleared out all my kitchen cupboards today, it was very theraputic and quite illuminating to find so much stuff out of date - it's not like my cupboards are very big and I only have a few of them.  I'm liking having clear surfaces and everything clean and tidy.  That's one good thing about having so much free time away from thinking about food, I'm getting loads done.  I want to move bedrooms (I've probably mentioned this already) but my spare room is just overflowing with everything that doesn't go anywhere else.  I feel ready to tackle it this week, I'm determined to have it all sorted for Christmas.  There is so much stuff in there I can sell, it'll probably pay for my new Primark spring/summer 13 wardrobe ;)

A kind of nothing day...

Really just a regular day today, nothing outstanding, nothing unusual, just a regular day.  Which, in itself is totally and absolutely amazing.  Today I don't feel like I'm not eating food.  Today is just normal.  I'm rather pleased with that.  Don't know if it's a pattern you settle into, if the TA is really settling my head down, if I'm just feeling contentedly pleased with myself or what really!  I do know it feels pretty amazing.  My hypochondriac me had a small moment early on this evening when I found a hard lump in my chest.  All was ok though, cause adult me quickly realised it was my breastbone!  Weird, never felt it before!  A further check and I found some more hard bits, I believe these are my ribs.  In a few weeks I might get to know what hips feel like too.  I'm now just 5lb over my lowest weight in 10 years, which is around 20lb more than my lowest weight in my adult life.  The thought that I can back there and beyond before Christmas is utterly thrilling.

And for once, my lovely fiance knows what to get me for Christmas - we'll be going clothes shopping.  When I was at my biggest I just wanted to fit into Primark clothes so I could go buy a new wardrobe full each month!  Now I'm heading that way I think (in my new forward planning outlook) that I will invest in a staple wardrobe of classics and I can throw in a few of the cheapies to ring the changes.  Still, once I fit Primark, it'll be cheap enough when I keep changing down the sizes I guess.  There's an ambition for you - to be clothed head to toe by Primark!!

Adult me is delighted, Child a little petulant

We're onto ego states, TA - have looked at this previously through work but never related it to food choices.  Really interesting stuff.  And of course, it's week 2 weigh in day.  So, here's how it went - I lost 4lb.  And here's what I think:

Nurturing parent - that's really good, I'm proud of you, it's great that you're taking this action to benefit your long term health, well done, you deserve a treat.

Critical parent - over a stone in 2 weeks, that's way too fast, you'll make yourself ill, you should have some proper food.

Adult - That's a good steady loss in line with the expectations of the plan, you're making real progress towards your long term goals.

Adapted child - Sorry it's not more than that, I should really make more effort next week and perhaps do some more exercise.

Rebellious child - *sticks tongue out* see, you said I couldn't do it, proved you wrong didn't I.

Free child - yippppppeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Clearly I've got a lot of work to do on learning and understanding more about TA and it's application in my LL journey (sorry for getting any of this wrong - that'll be my adapted child again!).  But it is fascinating, and it's answering so many of the questions I had when I began this journey, so much of my life is starting to make sense.  And proper sense, it's not excusing behaviours and choices, it's allowing me to realise why I've made the choices I have and how I behave.  Illuminating stuff.

Gosh, that's all very deep and adult.  After 40 odd years spent mainly as an adapted child that feels quite scary!