Hello my friends, it's been a while...

Since my last blog post, and since I started this journey too.  I'm on day 160 or so today since the start, but I have to say that I've not been doing a vlcd for 160 days.  In the main I have but there have been times when, well you know.  It's a long complicated journey to reach my destination, and whilst I'm fairly sure of the right direction, I don't have a sat nav and occasionally I take the wrong turning.  But it's all progress towards to the end point that I will reach.

To say this is life changing is an understatement.  My life has changed completely and I hope it will change some more sometime soon.  I hope I can have the opportunity to share the learnings of my journey with many others, something I'm working hard to reach.  However, I need to refocus once again and now look at my life goals rather than my weight loss goals.  I've toyed a little in the last couple of weeks with low carb food.  Some of it I like, some of it I don't, but all of it doesn't like me!  Awful stomach pains and cramps, so it's not the way forward for me, experiment done!

I'm at a point where I'm looking at daily achievement goals, I need to break it down and get through each day.  I need the headspace to work through other areas so can't focus on longer than a day at a time at the moment.  I have some brave decisions to make!

Oh heck, that's all a bit downbeat, and I've not been here for so long either.  I think I'm actually quite happy, but I'm a bit scared about tomorrow and making the right choices for then (metaphorically speaking, I'm not talking about Wednesday!).  I'm very clear on what I want to do, but I'm not clear on whether its the right decision for me.  Maybe none of us are able to have that privilege and I should just go ahead and give it a go - what's the worst that can happen?

What was all the fuss about?

I don't know how I went off the rails.  It wasn't in a spectacular way and I always stayed in ketosis, but I was totally off the plan and eating too many calories.  I probably needed to do it to learn a few life lessons, and maybe reminisce about the old days, rebel a little at the control I need to have around eating, and indulge in feeling a bit sorry for myself for a bit.

I did totally lose my way and couldn't see a way back through to getting back to just the 4 packs a day.  Until I asked for help.  Everybody was so lovely and so kind, and so right, but I think the catalyst to destroying the sabotaging me was the process of asking for that help.  It really was a problem halved, at the very least, and felt like a huge burden lifted.  And since that point - 100%.  As a little bonus, I've been puzzling for a while now about my losses, I was sure I'd miscalculated somewhere along the line, so I set about sorting that once and for all today, and indeed I had.  Three weeks into the plan I changed from LL to S&S, and also changed from evening weigh in to morning weigh in.  I'd made an allowance for the difference, but had added it up wrong - I owe myself another pound - yay!  So I'm only 2lb off 4 stone lost now - and I've not hit 20 weeks.  I'm really really pleased with that, despite all this messing about, I've lost all that weight in under 5 months.

I've also started to look at how I can tone more, and have treated myself to some zaggora hot pants.  I bought some last year in XL and had to send them back as they wouldn't go beyond my knees.  I ordered large this time and they are fine :).  Also got their creams on a groupon bargain, so I'm using them too, along with 10 minutes a day on my virbroplate toner.  Already, and it's very early days, I'm over an inch thinner on each thigh - cracking!  I'm starting to think more about my final target, and what I should look to get to.  Less than a stone and I'm into overweight territory, and to be honest, it's not that much further to reach "normal" - I think I can do that, but I don't know if I want to.  I've still a way to go and I'm already smaller than I ever thought possible, I seem to be shrinking before my own eyes!

I don't think it's too much to say that doing a VLCD is life changing.  I cannot believe the difference in me.  Going away for a short break to Marrakech this week, in smaller clothes!  Will be fabulous to get a bit of sun on me as a smaller person, give me a taste of what Turkey will be like in June, with me at target :)

And yet it's continued!

Arrrggghhhh!!!!

I've been such an idiot.  Another week has gone by, another week of eating too much, giving in to cravings, sticking my tongue out to Dr Beck, and more than likely another week of not losing anything.  Oddly, it's been a week of completing a Beck task every day - up to Monday at least.  This is entirely stupid, and needs to stop.

Trouble is, I don't know how to, or at least I didn't, until my plea for help was answered by the lovely ladies on MM who pointed out the obvious that was hidden away just inside my head, far back enough for me not to catch it - I'm scared.  I'm being exposed, I'm losing my comfort blanket of fat to hide behind.  I'm getting compliments which is great, but also very uncomfortable and it's really hard.  So, I'm hanging on to what's left and not letting it go.  And that is just plain daft.  I didn't lose anything last week, that's just daft too.  I've decided for weeks now that I'm hungry and need to eat - all the time - and it's just not the case.

So, today, I think I might have found the key once again, today feels different, today I've had 2 packs, and that's it.  I'm making a soup from my veg allowance, I've given the last of the ham to the cats, and the cheese is in the bin.  There is no cream!

And if today has taught me anything at all, it's that I want to do this, I want to be a success and I want to pursue a future career in this area.  So, today is a new day, as is tomorrow and the day after that.  By May, I'll be an entirely different person :)

Lesson learnt

OK, lets view this in a positive light - all things experienced that can be learned from and improved upon are not things wasted.  I've allowed the excuses to start popping into my head again, in my previous post I confessed to the consumption of many calories, but of a low carb origin that has allowed me to "get away" with overeating, and not having it show on the scales.  My excuses for this - I like to call them reasons, it seems less of a cop out - so my body has chance to catch up with my weight loss and I'm not left with a saggy empty bag of skin to wander round aimlessly in.  Whilst there is some merit in that, what I've actually done is get used to cravings and desires once again.  I've fancied something to eat, I've had it.  In my fridge I have double cream.  It makes a lovely pepper sauce to have with spinach and smoked salmon.  And it's more calories in one meal than I have for the rest of the day.  And then I fancy something else.  So I have it.

And pretty soon, if I continue down this path, I'll be right back at the beginning with my food issues.  So here is where it stops.  The lesson is learnt.  Yesterday I was back to 4 packs, but even that was 4 packs with scrambled egg (with double cream).  I had a fancy for scrambled egg with spinach, and I'm very glad I did cause it was awful.  And it made me stop and think - what am I doing!  It's official weigh day tomorrow, and this morning I'd not lost a thing.  That really shouldn't happen on this plan, I should be dropping a couple of pounds as an absolute minimum.  I'm only 5lb off my next stone, I should have been doing a big push this week to get there.  Jees, I'm only 1lb of getting under the next stone and I've not done that either!  9lb off my next goal.  All of these acheivements totally doable in the next couple of weeks and I've wasted them for double cream.  Was it worth it?

No.

What its like eating too much

I need to get this down as a reminder.  Today I have over eaten.  Because I wanted to.  I've had one pack today and two wafers, along with food.  Not low cal, but all low carb.  This I know (cause I do it quite often!) will mean my "cheats" will not show on the scales - or in other words, I'm getting away with it.  I'm doing this currently under the guise of being a bit stressed out with personal circumstances (now sorted) and to slow down my losses so I don't get too much loose skin.  Right - that's my sabotaging muscle exercised for the evening.  Now time to strengthen the positives - I feel like complete garbage.

I feel sick and uncomfortable and I also feel like I must keep on eating.  It's dreadful.  I unpacked my order earlier on and was salivating like a dog!  So bad.  I need to get a grip and get back on it.  I've not read Beck for a week or so, time to get back to that I think.

Life just seems so busy...

Another huge gap between postings, I must get better at this.  Life just seems to be getting so busy now I can do some of the things I used to sit on the sofa and think about, I could do with 48 hour days!  I'll have to keep this fairly short as I've got an absolute ton of stuff to sort through and list on ebay (noodles1609 - check out some bargains!) - it's free listing weekend again so the priority today is to get the priceier stuff sorted and on to avoid the fees, I'll then get the majority of stuff on as and when through turbolister.  Was having a quick look through a bag earlier and laughing my head off at my staple holiday skirt, think I wore it the entire holiday when I met Andrew.  It's HUGE!  In fact, I really must look out a picture I have of me in it, June 2010, then take another one of me in it today - I'll do that, I couldn't believe how big it was!

Steady on noodles, using a lot of exclamation marks there!!  OK, here are the things making me very happy today:

• Ordered a pair of straight leg trousers from Very in a 16 - trousers never fit me cause of my big thighs, so bought them as an incentive - they fit!
• On the back of that, tried on my New Look (remember how small their fit is please hehe) size 16 jeans - they fit!
• So, tried on a size 14 dress I've got for Marrakech - no, it didn't fit - but it didn't fit around the boobs, so they're still fairly sizable then!  Think I can cope being a 12 bottom and a 16 top :)

Right, back to the sorting, ironing, photographing and listing that is ebay.  At least I can get to the post office now that flaming snow has gone - although it was good for toning the thighs :)

Edit - hot off the press - 4 months on VLCD today!  Pics below (if it works!)

 

 

Heck, 14 days of 13 already gone and no updates!

Oops, where does the time go!  I have been more than a little remiss in updating my blog - tsk tsk and a slap on the wrist for noodles.  I've been too busy listing all my too big clothes on ebay to raise some funds to buy more!  Went straight back on plan after my Christmas week off and dropped 8lb, so that's the 6lb gain gone plus a couple more just to keep me motivated.  Last week I polished off another 2 and a half.

All things considered, that's absolutely amazing.  It's been very very tough going since Christmas - life, not the plan - and the old me would have reached straight for the comforts of carbs.  I've still turned to food on some occasions, but kept it to low carb foods, but I don't think my 2013 food plan could be described as vlc!  Still, I'm proud of how far I've come, I'll do what needs to be done for the time being and work to lower the calories down over the coming weeks as things settle down in the rest of my life.  To say it's been stressful would be the biggest understatement ever - and not a malteser in sight!

What is also amazing is the inch loss.  Even with the gain I still lost inches, and I've flipped down a size so my previous smaller sizes are no longer ok but a bit on the big side, I now look like I'm wearing someone elses clothes.  So the ebay listing has started (got another wrist slap for posting that on MM too - but if you've found yourself here, I have the same name on ebay, and have a LOT of clothes to sell through).  I honestly cannot believe how small I'm getting.  I started to buy a few size 12 end of sale bargains for my hols in June and I'm actually starting to think they may be too big by then - and I can't comprehend that!!  Both my SIL and my Mum have commented about how small my frame is, I've always judged my frame by the size of my hands, and granted they've shrunk to some degree (all my rings are massive) but they are still fairly shovel-like.  But even still being in the obese bmi range, my collar bones are rather prominent and I'm not far off a size 14.  I am starting to believe that under this fat suit I've been wearing for such a long time, there is actually a petite woman itching to come out!

And I'm loving peoples reactions - of course the compliments are just brilliant and really make it all worthwhile, but I'm also getting a bit of a kick from the snubs I get by other members of the "fat and proud" club - the yo-yo dieters that happily bask in their own success of a downwards spiral, but can't bear the success of another.  And lets not even go there on those who've had surgical intervention to become a smaller person....

It's all good, I feel amazing, I love being smaller - except for the incredibly cold feet!