What day is it?

To be updated at some point soon.....

Day 8 - Who stole my day?

Cor, where has today gone!  It's almost bedtime and I don't feel like I've sat down, so, today is very brief.

Food:
Cookies & Cream shake
Chicken Soup
Dark chocolate truffa bar (old smaller size)
Cheesy pasta with swede cubes and wafer thin chicken
661 calories

Oh, and I lost 11.5lb in week one.  Wicked :)

Day 7 - a day of nervous pondering

Been a stressful funny sort of day.  Had a couple of tough work things to do today, but thought them through in advance with the benefit of my new small amount of knowledge of nlp, and whilst they were still pretty tough, I feel like I handled them a great deal better than I have done before.  However, I need to note that stress and a subsequent focus on the job in hand means I forgot to eat! It was gone half 11 when I got to wondering why I felt a bit wobbly - then I realised I'd not had anything!  Oops, that's not so great.

As a consequence I've felt a bit wobbly all day, probably more psychological than physical, but I succumbed to a little cheese when I got home.  Pleased I did this in a measured way - 35g and straight on the food planner :).  Tomorrow morning is weigh in - eek!  I really want to beat my week 1 from last year (I know, I'm repeating myself!) - it means a lot.

I am able now to recognise that I need to take my time to make decisions, and I'll reach the end of that process when I'm good and ready.  Had a weird thing happen today, it might be a marketing scam, if it is, then it's a darn good one - on a day I really needed something just like this - I got an email telling me somebody loves me, and wants me to follow an online adventure for 5 days before revealing who they are!  Intriguing to say the least.  Perhaps it's just because of where I am today, on another given day perhaps I would have marked it straight as spam.  Who can say, today it made me smile, and there's nothing wrong with smiling more :)

Evening update to log food - what an amazing couple of hours I've just had!  Something really very exciting indeed may be happening to assist my weight loss journey.  Can't say much just now but I am uber excited about it!  Guess the day wasn't so bad after all, I feel like I've been sprinkled with glitter :).

So, todays food:
Vanilla Shake (is this all starting to sound very familiar yet...)
Chicken soup
Cheesy pasta with swede cubes
Strawberry shake
35g cheddar
723 calories

I should just add - I have an awful lot of products in my cupboard, mainly bought when I was planning to maintain so I bought lots of the same of my favs - I've told myself I'll do a month on these before I go buying any more, so it's going to be a very boring list for a little while longer I'm afraid.

Day 6 - All is well with the world

I spent most of yesterday doing my studying, sent off an assignment for my weight consultancy course, and caught up on some much needed work on the NLP course I've signed up to.  I wonder if it's going to be the key.  I'm only on the introduction to NLP, have yet to start the practitioners course and it's fabulous, it makes so much sense and has so many practical applications in all area's of life.  I read a little quote the other day that fits well with the NLP - always seek to be a little bit kinder than is necessary.  The thing that struck me yesterday about the NLP is about how we view others - in a nutshell our brains get bombarded with so much information that it's impossible to process everything, so in order to "see" another person (as in what you think of them) - you have to have that particular "thing" in you in order to recognise it.  Makes sense to me and is perhaps a good time to reflect on why I think bad of some others sometimes - ok, quite often I guess - and that's me owning that information (another part of NLP!).

So, how does this apply to following a vlcd?  I think it does in many ways so far, and probably many more to come as I continue my study.  Not least of which is how I've previously reacted to my perception of other peoples posts - maybe we are too similar and can see those not so nice things reflected from ourselves and seek to be (naturally) defensive of our own position... anyhow, another old quote comes into play here "if you don't have anything nice to say... etc" - all food for thought if you'll pardon the pun.  NLP talks about responsibility and excuses - do you have things done to you or do you do things.  It made me really realise, and I say really realise as I already know this, but before it feels as though I recognised the package it came in, but now I've opened it up to see exactly what is inside - that I, and only I am responsible for making the decisions about what goes in my mouth and in how great a quantity.

Which is great news!  Because I am therefore 100% able to make all future decisions about what goes in my mouth.  Will I offend someone if I don't accept their piece of cake?  It's unlikely, but if they are, then do I really want to be accepting a piece of cake from someone who is so easily offended?  Another quote - and one of my absolute favourites - "Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission" - Eleanor Roosevelt.  That says so much, and I think now that I really know what that means.  My decisions are made by me.

And so, back to the vlcd.  I only realised this evening when I got home that today I've not had any coke zero, not only that, I didn't even think about it, not only that, I even went to the shop for a bottle of water and didn't even think about it.  Go me!

I think we actually might be making some decent progress.  I think I should give myself a little smile :)

And then...... after a really great day does a wacking great mackerel come and smack you right across the face, just when you were least expecting it.  Nothing diet related, a personal thing, but it's entirely possible it was a terminal mackerel and it's also entirely possible that I'm ok with that too.  Of course I may still be more than a little bit annoyed/let down/disappointed/really very angry... we'll see, some time is required here at the very least I think.

Todays food -

Vanilla shake
Chicken soup
Cheesy pasta with swede cubes and leek
Cookies and cream shake
591 calories.

Day 5 - Sunday - Danger Point!

I planned for today to be over on calories, I planned to have more food today.  I did this because Sundays have proved to be my downfall.  I'm usually on my own after dropping Andrew off to go home in the morning, so maybe it's boredom or cause I'm a bit down or just because I'm greedy and I'm looking for an excuse.  Being on my own can't really be the issue, cause I'm on my own Monday to Thursday til her turns up again on Friday evenings.  Guess I'm just a greedy pig.

Anyhow, to break this and take charge, I decided today could be extra calories, or at least extra volume of lower calories, but within the carb limit, and not too far over calories cause I'm doing great so far.  So this is how it went... Breakfast was an oatmeal pack, all fine and dandy.  Then I had a notion to have swede cubes with a processed cheese slice melted over the top of them.  It was ok, nothing to get excited about, and to be absolutely truthful, a waste of calories!

Decided tea would be swede cubes again (they are my saviour veg!) with leeks - did them both together in the actifry, gave pretty good results.  Then a 70g pack of honey roast ham and 45g of grated cheddar.  All this with a cheesy pasta pack.  It was too much.  Way too much.  But, as a lesson to learn, I ate it all, and felt bloated and sick and bleugh.

So, it's not far from 9pm, I've had 2 packs and all that other guff and have had 592 calories.  I will have a shake in a mo too - so that'll be taking me over 700 for today.

In comparison to my "regular" days intake - tiny.  On a VLCD - a waste of way too many calories that could have been had on something nicer.

2 more full days to go then it's week one weigh in.  My aim right now - to do better than I did on my very first week ever on a VLCD - so I need 11.5lb to top that - BIG ask!

Only day 4?

A strange thing has happened, I was absolutely sure I had started back on 100% on Tuesday, so today is a decent way through the week, my progress downwards on the scales (I know, I know, one obsession at a time!) is pleasing. Then I logged yesterday's packs on mfp and was looking back over the week so far - only to find nothing logged for Tuesday - a check on here, and indeed, I only started Wednesday - wow! I even told Andrew last night I'd been on since Tuesday, perhaps I have keto brain! I was shocking him by telling him his pizza last night contained 2 full days of calories for me on this plan.

I am focused and motivated and on it.  Long may it continue!

Cookies and cream shake

Cottage pie

Cheesy pasta with 200g of diced swede/mushroom/leeks and 30g grated mozzarella 

576 calories :)

Day 3 - Early start to a long day

A funny thing has happened.  I looked in the fridge this morning as I was getting my water out and thought that I should throw away the eggs and bacon in there (from last weekends low carbing).  I had planned for this weekend to also be low carb rather than vlcd but this morning I don't want to do that.  This is cracking - three days of thinking like this!  It's right back at the beginning once again and long may it last.

Without wishing to pre-empt anything, as this is only day 3 after all - a sneaky peak on the scales would suggest ketosis has arrived and I know I've dumped an awful lot of water.  As much as I am really trying not to be judged by my scales, it still seems that their approval is still very much needed in my life.

Seems I've wooshed into the zone, need to tie myself down right here to make sure I don't just woosh straight back out again.  Things to keep me here - 224 days to holiday! Lol, I'm more than a little excited about it, normally we book really close to going, so there isn't that anticipation and build up, and even though we know we are going in, say, July, it's not the same as having the flights and everything already booked.  Next year we're being joined by friends - so far 6 of us, maybe more to come.  Can't wait!  And for that - I am NOT going to feel like I'm busting out of my beachwear! I intend to hit my target ready for Christmas, which gives me 6 months to work on the fitness and toning (and to allow for a couple of months where I'll just be sitting on my bottom if I get to have this op).  Ooh!  We have a plan coming together!

Caramel shake 

Chicken soup

Mushroom pasta with diced swede and mushrooms

New raspberry shake

Total calories 578

:)

Day 2 - Hyperdrive already!

Ah wonderful - blogger is working again.  Could only manage the title earlier on and nothing else.  Probably a darn good thing as it would have been a very long one with that old hyperdrive thing going on I think.  Anyhow, we're at the end of day 2, I still have a pack to go, I feel like I've had loads as I did extra swede cubes this evening (forgot the weight is very different raw to cooked, yesterday I weighed 200g raw weight, so today I just finished the packet!).

I'm still as excited as I was yesterday, so that's two full days on the trot of feeling as determined as I did right back at the beginning.  I want to bottle it and rub it all over me again if it starts to waiver.  I did even have a thought tonight that it would be so much easier just to eat whatever it is I want to eat, but this is about so much more than just my weight and what I look like.  It's also about what I feel like - physically - and I feel so much better with a low level of carbs.  I'm really struggling with my gynae stuff at the moment (seeing the consultant in a little under 3 weeks) and pretty sure I have adhesions interfering with my sciatic nerve.  The pain down my left leg goes through to my ankle on some days and at best is mightily uncomfortable.  It's a whole lot worse when I eat bread, so it's plain and simple really isn't it?

I've started up a countdown to Christmas weight loss challenge at work.  I was asked to do it by a few people, and it's a great focus and good practice for me to get back to my studies that I've been neglecting since my holiday.  It makes me very proud to be able to give dieting advice to others, and when I stop to consider that a year ago I was so big, it really means a great deal that others look to me to seek that advice.  It's a huge buzz and a privilege.

So, todays food - no imagination here - same as yesterday but with an extra 13 calories of swede!!

Actually... think I'll do a cold shake before bed rather than a hot chocolate today, ring the changes and all that...

Cookies & Cream Shake x 2
Chicken soup
Cheesy pasta & swede cubes
610 calories :)

Day 1 - Second time around

Been messing about for long enough, in keto, out of keto, in keto, out of keto.  Been a stressful time all around with the rest of my life and I've allowed it once again to become the focus rather than accepting that life will always bring stress, and really it's the reaction to that stress that could probably be worked on.  Tried half heartedly to follow different things over the summer, but had an epiphany last night, lots of things fell into place and it just seemed the right time to get on with it.  I fully intend to have reached my target and followed the re-feed before Christmas is upon us.  What's different I don't quite know, other than to say that it feels different, it feels like the focus I had just over a year ago when I started this journey.

Some things I need to accept, and this has been difficult.  I am considerably lighter than I was a year ago, and considerably smaller.  I have a way to go, but it's not a great big huge long way to go.  I am comfortable in 5 sizes smaller than I was.  That is some achievement.  I need to acknowledge that and allow myself to be proud of how far I've come.  It's really hard to do so, cause my head doesn't feel a bit of difference to when I was at my biggest.  Weird that, I can see the difference, it's so much its entirely obvious, but I can't feel the difference.  Wonder if I ever will.  Perhaps I just need to accept where I'm at and get on with the rest!

I'm scared to death that tomorrow I'll not be bothered again, but then again I owe this present to myself and it's not one I can ask anyone else for.  I need somewhere to log my daily intake after tracking, to make me somewhat accountable for that.  So, sorry, little bit different from before, there will be a list of packs each day, and perhaps nothing more on some days, but we'll see how it goes.  I've weighed in this morning, and may weigh in each week, not sure yet, the weight thing isn't all that important - it's how I look and how my clothes fit me that means so much more - so the task here is to get into a pair of jeans and be able to sit comfortably in them.

Todays packs:

Vanilla shake
Chicken soup
Cheesy pasta (with 200g diced swede)
Chocolate shake

Total of 586 calories :)

Day 8 - Monday - what to do?

Got up all bright and breezy and ready to go.  Then considered I'd done 3 days, perhaps today should be a shred rest day.  Also considering from a 5:2 perspective that I may do a fast day today.  I think fast days will be 500 calorie fast days rather than nothing at all, that might be a bit too far for me - however, for a 24 hour fast, I've already done 11 hours since food, so perhaps it is doable - we'll see.  I've put far too much pressure on myself in the past about what to eat and what not to eat, then just feel even guiltier when I "can't manage it" - I know now that it's not a case of that at all, it should just not be a big deal. It may feel incredibly liberating to do the 24 hours, I'm not sure.  Perhaps I should plan a bit better for doing that, not just do it on a whim, and eat my "evening" meal the previous day a little bit earlier, say 4.30pm, then I can get home from work and tuck straight in!

And, I've just noticed, I'm typing this with amazing posture! Small things, but that's a good one, my back and core are getting stronger :)

Day 7 already...

Seems I've had a lot of page views today.  I've no idea who my audience is, guess that's the mystery of blogging!  Anyhow, having looked at todays very long and rambling post, it was a bit of a random waffle that went on far too long really!

So, given I don't know who's reading this, and what you may or may not take from it, I pressed delete. Something has changed today, and somehow putting down how I feel about things and then not knowing who is reading it just doesn't sit very comfortably any more.  Think I'll stick to more fact based stuff for the time being :)

Today was day 7 of the shred, I've had my rest day on day 4, so I've done level 1 6 times.  I feel one heck of a difference in my strength and stamina already, which has surprised me a great deal.  I've made some excellent choices for my future today too, and are feeling happy and confident I'm doing the right things.

That's it, enough said.  Back soon :) 

Challenge Day 3

Ouch!

Woken this morning a little stiff but not anywhere near what I expected, got straight onto day 3 and really made an effort with the ab work, I've always struggled to engage my abs since having a huge dermoid cyst removed when I was 20, as the scar goes all the way down my rum from belly button to nunny, cutting my abs in half. So today I really focused. Now it's just 10 minutes later and I'm showered and in pain! Oooooh, those abs are hurting. I shall just keep thinking bikini, and the decreasing amount of belly bounce when I'm doing the jumping jacks.

I feel a little bit proud this morning, I just about kept up, and already on day 3 can feel a difference in my stamina.  Expect I may feel differently once I've attempted the stairs!

Challenge Day 2

Just a quickie for this morning, will write more later. Woke begrudgingly this morning and hit snooze, not very often at all I do that, the night seemed to go by very quickly. Guess that's what happens when you actually sleep through it! Had a bit of a battle with my rebellious child not wanting to do the shred this morning, even arguing with me that I could still do some exercise, just not that PLEASE. Lol, I did it anyway.  When I woke my quads felt a bit tight, my pecs a little sore, but otherwise all ok.  I did the shred and it was tough, my left knee squealed a bit, which is the point I would normally pack it in.  I didn't, I worked through it and modified for a minute til it eased then carried on.

Small things, but I feel super proud :). 28 more mornings to have this same battle I guess before GI Jane emerges all buff and shiny :)

Oh my!  Talk about not getting it!  Of course, I did all that exercise yesterday and again this morning without leaving the flat, and the nature of a flat - it's flat.  In order to get to work this morning I had to go down my regular two flights of stairs.  And there we go - BAM! - pain!  Clearly walking on a flat surface is easy peasy, actually needing to use some muscles to go up and down stairs - virtually impossible.  So I didn't get away with it after all.  Sitting down has hurt all day long, going for a pee - ouchy, loo's just a little bit too low and no handles to hang on to (not that they would have been very helpful with my screaming pecs too!).  And I've been like a furnace all day, after a year of no exercise it feels like I've really stoked the fire and revved it up to mid-winter, I've been boiling hot all day long. 

All of that is great news really, pain means I'm doing it right apparently, and I definitely need to be ramping up the fuel burning cause there is a little too much going in at the moment.  I'm aware of it, but also aware how my head works and I'm not giving it the excuse of not eating enough and feeling faint when I exercise just so I can pack it in, so it's getting what it wants for the time being, I'll cut back again when my stamina improves - Jillian reckons I should feel amazingly different by next week - we'll see.  Either I'll be heading rapidly towards GI Jane, or I'll be exercising my finger in turning the dvd on while I lay immobile on the sofa :).  Tired now, not 10pm yet, need some sleep.  So totally hope I'm not terribly stiff in the morning, want to do it all again.  In fact, I could do it now - but I won't!

 

Challenge Day 1

It's bank holiday Monday and I'm all set.  In fact I'm itching to get started.  But first things first, it is a bank holiday and I do live in a flat, wouldn't be the best neighbourly thing to do to start stomping around on the second floor at this early hour.  So, time for some more prep.  Yesterday I put the jeans on I want to fit properly.  When they do, they will be my measure - I'm really not fussed what the scales say, how I look and feel is far more important.  I know right now from eating carbs I feel terrible, and I know from the extra few pounds I've gained that I look puffy too and my clothes are feeling tight.  So, that's a much better measure for me I think.  They are a Primark size 14 and right now I can get them on, I can't sit down in them and I can barely breathe, but they go on and do up.  Andrew took some pictures of me in them yesterday - they are now on my fridge under my 30 day challenge chart ready to colour in!

All that said, I have lost a little focus on where I've come from, sometimes I just need to remember that - it's less than a year, 11 months to be a bit more precise, since I was squeezing myself into a skirt that I can now pitch and sleep under, I've tried it on again this morning just to remind myself, and I've also taken my measurements this morning - I have a Rosemary Conley magic measure with my original measurements on, in a moment I'm going to compare and hopefully be all inspired and proud all over again....

Are we ready...  under bust today is 35", originally it was 46".  Gosh!  I've lost almost a foot off my boobs! Waist today is 36", originally 47" so 11 inches gone.  Wow! Even my thighs have shrunk by nearly 6 inches each, 3 inches off my arms.  Wow, again, sometimes it's very powerful to forget that and be so surprised with that reminder.  I'll plot all these stats on a spreadsheet, wonder if I can do a graph in human shape, a pie chart doesn't really seem appropriate ;)

In total, this morning, I am 65 inches smaller than I was when I started.  I will have to use that word again - WOW - I am inspired.  Funny how our heads work though isn't it, a year ago I could just about squeeze myself into a stretchy size 22 from Primark, and now I'm fitting into their size 14 jeans.  I should add that I'm not particularly aspiring to be a Primark model or anything, it was just a little thing I had when I was bigger that if I could fit into Primark I could have a new wardrobe every week!  I also squeezed into a Monsoon 22, I could probably afford a new wardrobe with them every decade, and to be honest, the Primark clothes would probably last longer.  But my head forgets all that, even though I know it, I still feel fat and bloated and a long way from target.  Which is why, I think, that my target should be that pair of jeans.  When I can wear those with comfort, without a muffin top, and can sit down, kneel down in them, then I will be there.

So what's the plan - exercise.  I suspect I may overdo it today and then not do anything tomorrow, but I really need to do a little something every day.  I am going to attempt Jillian Michaels 30 day shred, I have no idea if I'll be able to keep up with it, my current fitness is pretty shocking, but it's got to be worth a shot, I have got to be worth that shot.  It's only half an hour a day, surely I can spare that for a new shape by my holiday?  I also have the cross trainer, and the vibroplate, my wii with zumba and several different dance games as well as wii sports - I should do boxing each day, it's a great stress reliever aside from the fitness benefits.  So, lets see how it goes.  Food wise - I'll just suck it and see, I'll feed myself enough for the exercise and make my main meals wholesome and nutritious.  Aside from that - well, no pressure, I don't want feeling faint or hungry to be an excuse for not doing a days exercise, but I won't be overeating on the wrong stuff cause I know how bad that makes me feel.

Eek!  Here we go!  Wish me luck.  I'm almost 42, the best exercise I was good at in my school years was finding a place to hide with a packet of crisps til the cross country route came back round again and I could join the back.  I'm not a natural athlete hahahaha, couldn't be further from that, I've never been fit, so this could be the start of something quite remarkable!

**Evening update**  Well, it's just occurred to me - 65 inches is 5'5" - I've lost as many inches round as I am tall.  That's just bonkers!  I did day one of the shred, I even managed to keep up for most of it, I was a little slow getting up off the floor on occasion, but did most of the jumping jacks without any accidental damage either.  Gosh it was tough, I didn't use handweights for this first go but still I could barely lift my arms afterwards!  Got the bug though, and did 10 minutes on the vibroplate later on, light toning exercises on level 7.  Then I did 20 minutes zumba on the wii.  I feel great.  I expect tomorrow I'll feel dreadful!  My plan is to do something before work, cause then I will have done it, and if I don't do anything else all day, at least I'll have done something!  Probably it'll be the shred, not sure what to do though, will have to check it out - do I just keep on doing level one til I'm ready to move up?  Should it be 10 days on each level?  Think I'll have to go google :)

30 day challenge to sit down in my jeans

I have a plan, I know, I've had these plans before then life goes and gets in the way. I'm not sure I should look at it like that, or whether life is just a great excuse for a binge every now and again. I certainly feel like a very different person to a year ago, and I certainly feel like I know much more about myself and my food relationships than I did then, but I'm starting to wonder when the time will come when I've done enough research! I know I'm an emotional eater, I know I crave carbs even when they make me ill, I've researched all that very thoroughly indeed.  I've been thinking for a while about doing something different, seeing what it's like, what else am I actually capable of - cause I never believed I was capable of this level of weight loss. And in the grand scheme of things I've pretty much maintained the loss I got to (I have added a good few pounds on top of the keto gain, but overall I've not put on anything like I have in the past). So what can I do different? 

Exercise.  I've always hated it, always avoided it as much as I could. But I wonder if I could do it now. I'm going to give it a go. I can do S&S when the weather is cooler, I do it last year through to Christmas and did it very well indeed, and so I will go back to do 100% when I return from holiday (yes, another holiday, yes, another holiday to Içmeler), and until then I am going to tone. Gillian Micheals will be my new guru, and I've found a new wii dance game I didn't even know I had. Add to this the cross trainer and vibroplate and I should be well on the way to buff by the end of September. I need to remember that I bloat terribly on the heat, so I need all these clothes to be a bit on the big side to allow for that :)

Right, best go get some beauty sleep, I'm needing plenty ;)

Guess what I just realised!

This is nuts. A thought entered my head today and then blossomed like a sunrise, entirely illuminating everything in a slow beautiful all consuming way.  I have no idea where it came from, or if I've had it before and ignored it, but it's so simple and so incredibly life changing too.

It's ok to eat.

There you go, it's as straightforward as that. It's ok to eat. I am an adult, I make my own choices, and if want to eat something, then it's absolutely fine for me to do that. I really needed to give myself that permission, to lose the naughty or rebellious child desire to stuff as much food in as possible before getting caught and being in trouble, to stop the guilt of overeating. I know, in full and graphic detail, where my food choices lead - choose carb heavy and my body feels poisoned, choose less carbs and it starts to wake up again.  Surely I can trust myself to choose in the full knowledge of what happens afterwards?

The short and long is, I don't like this bloat, I don't like how I feel, I don't like the pain and the discomfort, I feel dreadful. I feel better if I eat less, if I choose lighter carb options. I feel better without the bloat.

So there we are, I have a choice, and I choose to make my own decisions with my own free will, without guilt and with full understanding of what happens next...

(And what happens next is I stick with my plan to be back with vlcd by mid October)

:)

Creating headspace to learn from

I had my little break. Still having from the S&S pages. Spent a lot of time thinking things through and wondering why I was so affected by the negatives thoughts and opinions of people that really don't matter to me. I've concluded that its because of the bullying behaviour, took me right back to all those years of putting up and shutting up and not being able to stand up and fight. With hindsight it's easy enough to spot a bully - or perhaps they should be referred to by their new cyber identity of being trolls. Nice when others are looking, but digging away with snidey remarks waiting for an explosive reaction, then going back to their poor me, it's not me it's them sympathy card. Bullies the world over play the same pattern regardless of the media they use. And people like me get sucked in each time, and are far more affected than we should be.

I now intend to look upon those people with a view of sympathy. A view that considers their own low self esteem that can only be increased by making others feel worse than they do about themselves. These are the ones in most need of the support of others I think.  I've had a really hideous week, it's been so bad in all areas because of how I let this affect me, and I'm not prepared to let that happen again just to make someone else feel good.  I have however, been able to conduct an intense experiment into the effects of carbs and stress on my body, I've really taken that to the outer limits and beyond! In the last few days of over eating I've called upon Dr Beck and considered carefully how I feel after eating my foods of choice in the quantities I have chosen. The answer is quite simply - shocking.  I wonder how many times I am going to conduct this particular experiment before I'm convinced of the findings.  Carbs make me feel like garbage. I am lethargic but can't sleep a full night, I have bags under my eyes, my skin is dull, my hair brittle. My knees hurt all the time, so do my wrists, I have trigger finger throughout the day, I have spots and dry patches side by side, my skin itches.  I have painful bloat by the afternoon every day and feel sick when I eat. But worst of all - burning awful painful heartburn, not had that at all since starting S&S. oh, I also have excema back on my hands.  I had none of this with low carbing.

So, what is the way forward? I still want to lose this extra stone, but I think the time is not right for a vlcd right now. I need to know that I can have control with regular food, and I need to stop this emotional cycle of poisoning myself with carb heavy crap. Is important I think to feel substance for now and to get a handle on snacking, so I've bought food I need to cook, proper meals, lower the snacks and work back from there when I am confident I'm under control. If Andrew doesn't get the Russia job, we're going to have a late week in Içmeler at the beginning of October, so my aim is to return to vlcd after that and get this last daft hanging around where it's not wanted stone done and dusted by Christmas.  So, lets get to it, chargrilled veg and hunters chicken on the way :)

Entirely disillusioned with my fellow humans

Well, what can I say. Time after time I seem able to see only the best in people to then be let down.  So very sad, but probably very naive of me to think that just because someone has caught the same bus I'm on, that they share the same destination as me. Or that they chose to get on that bus for the same reasons as me.  

I've decided tonight to withdraw my entry from the S&S competition, it's already turned into a back biting fight by people confusing opinion with fact.  There are some folk out there that could do to spend an hour in the shoes of someone else, and go shopping in them to the compassion store to stock up in bulk.  I guess it's just a reflection of life, but it's been a shock to me how awfully (and I do mean awfully, not just as a posher very) competitive some people are, and how many others don't understand just what a huge thing going public with their very personal journey is for some.  The me me me has saddened me.

I think this may be my last blog for a while, and I think it's time for a break from those people.

Let the voting commence (and blessed greetings for Lammas Day) (and eh up lass for Yorkshire Day)

1st August. I think I knew 4 years ago that 1st August would be a significant day, it was the day I decided to have two tiny hearts tattooed on the inside of my wrist. It's Yorkshire Day, the county of my birth and where I've lived for much of my life, and it's Lammas Day too - the Pagan festival to worship the nature Gods and hope for a good harvest. It would be normal to make an offering of bread and wine today - I shall have to consider a ketogenic vlc alternative!

But, for this year, 2013, 1st August has a whole other huge massive scary smiley jump up and down with joy so very nervous rambling a bit now significance. It's the day my weight loss story (along with 33 other brave souls) goes live to the very big worldwide platform that is Facebook.  Me, overweight Nicola, failed dieter Nicola, yes I'm trying another wacky eating plan Nicola, is telling the world how bloody proud I am of what I've achieved with Slim & Save.  With pictures too! I am so excited, and so nervous.  It's a competition, and 3 of us will win an iPad.  But it's so not about that - I'm not just saying that now cause I won't win, preparing my oh well they deserved it more face - genuinely this is so much bigger and so much more significant than winning an iPad. This is telling the whole world that I have successfully lost weight, that I have achieved such a massive thing for me (no pun intended!). This is really the start of my new life, one where I value my achievements in all things, one where I am comfortable with me.  One where I can stand up and do karaoke and not care a stuff if I'm out of tune cause I'll just be having a good time, one where I can just pull a face if someone points a camera my way instead of getting the angle right to minimise chins/arms/suck stomach in etc.

Right now I could cry, with excitement I think, but nervousness too, and more than a little anticipation.  Gosh it's so strange!  So, lets raise a glass of Coke Zero to all of us who have changed our life's with S&S, the ones who have entered this time round - and most of all, the ones who didn't quite feel ready to go public just yet.  Nothing would give me a warmer feeling than knowing that reading my story has helped someone else feel a little bit prouder of what they've done too.  Apart from peeing in a wetsuit, that gives a warm feeling I'm told, and now I can get in a wetsuit I wonder if I'll ever get the urge to try that out ;)

Day 6 of Simplicity - kind of....

Didn't make it back to update on Monday. I did the packs, think I did 4, but Monday seems like such a blur already. Monday turned into probably one of the very worst days of my life.  I don't think the details are ready for blogging, don't know if that is "yet" or "ever" but my life as I know it has changed. Anyway, this isn't supposed to be about other stuff, this is about my weight loss journey so it's probably best to stick with that and just say that my previous me (and my recent me) would have looked for help deep in the carb cupboard. I didn't do that.  I stuck to the plan.  And in the midst of all this going on around me I have made probably the most enormous step forward in my whole entire life.

Ok, all that sounds very deep, and I guess without the exact context of the circumstances it could be a little dramatic, but lets just keep the faith that I might just have cracked the emotional response trigger! I'm wondering when to do the official weigh in, I've always done Thursday morning as a rule, but I started my pack challenge on Friday, ooh the decisions I'm faced with lol.  I do know its Wednesday (progress there then!) and I'm already showing a significant difference on the scales. I can't pretend to be surprised on weigh day really, I am a daily weigher and then some. Don't see a huge issue with that really, I'm not looking for approval from that little patch of bathroom floor, instead I am genuinely curious about the daily fluctuations of my weight, and all that is particularly ok now my goal is not about what those scales say.  And, if you are stuck in being a slave to the harsh word of the bathroom scale, try going before and then immediately after a significant "sit down" to lighten the mood and laugh at the daftness of it all!

So, back to today, I'm up fairly early again, got stuff to be getting on with, long day at work.  Will take my extra packs with me so I can have them rather than be tempted elsewhere and will be back home in 12 hours or so.  Two day target now - stick with the plan, it's going great. Wearing my Next shift dress today - already it fits marvellously.  Can't bottle that :)