And so here I am again. I really should write this more often, which I think, ironically, is the thing I've written most often on here. I've just spent an hour reading through all my postings, it was a nice reminder of how far I've come, a little teary one at times, and an embarrassing one at others. When you read through right from the start again you can tap into that original motivation, that hope and wonder of a fat girl wanting to change her life for the better. It's easy to get lost on the way, and do that human thing of focusing on all those posts about coming off plan, not giving a fig for a day or two, but really it should be about the fantastic achievement overall.
I felt more than a little sad reading about my euphoria at getting into a New Look size 16 - bless me! That seems so long ago, and that euphoria has just become something that happens instead. Why did I stop celebrating? I guess when you've had a lifetime of not achieving personal goals, maybe it feels a bit conceited to keep on celebrating - I don't know, but I do know that I should be massively proud of what I've done. I'm putting together my entry for the S&S Ipad competition this weekend and so got to looking at some old pictures once again. There is one of me and Andrew, about 2 days after we met, and I remembered one almost identical from our April holiday - put the two together and what a blooming difference! We've been together for a smidge over 3 years now, and I'm 7 stone lighter! That's nuts, what's not to celebrate about that.
I have also reassessed (again!) where I want to be. I've refocused my goals at long last away from what the scales say. My goal are now about how I feel, how my clothes fit. To achieve them I need to lose some more weight, but the weight loss is the journey to achievement rather than the achievement if that makes sense. It's like learning to drive I guess, the goal is to pass your driving test, the goal isn't to have 27 driving lessons is it? So my goal is to fit comfortably into a size 14 outfit of structured material all day. That takes away the "yes it's a size 10 but it's jersey" issue out of my head, cause I can't work out that I'm not a 22 anymore cause I can actually get into a size 10, my head says it's not a 10 cause it's stretchy. So, I know I bloat up terribly over the day if I don't stay hydrated (so that's a part of the goal too) - I might be comfortable at 6am in an outfit, but by 4pm I could rip it off. My goal is that I'll feel just as comfortable at 4pm in a fabric dress with no stretch.
I've had the whole spectrum of sabotaging thoughts come back recently too, this hot weather hasn't helped much cause it's another chapter I've not used in my excuses book. Funny how it's so much hotter every time we go to Turkey and I don't need the excuses, but hot in England - bleugh, it would dangerous not to include a packet of hobnobs in your daily sustenance! The last few weeks have been a real battle with my head, probably the toughest battle yet, cause that battle is about me, not about how I've previously comforted outside circumstances with food, this has been about me and just me. Funny, it dawned on me that these few months of maintaining and trying to learn about my food issues and how to trust myself around food, my body has shrunk. That excess skin is going, I'm getting smaller. Of course, my head said I was getting bigger again, here we go again, I can't be trusted to eat food blah blah blah. Why are we always our own worst critic and so quick to judge ourselves in the worst possible light?
But there we go, I posted that photo of me and Andrew - what an amazing reaction. It's lovely to be complimented, but most of all, it's fantastically powerful to see what you've achieved through the eyes of others. Brings it all home. Yes, I've done that. Nobody else has done that, I've done that. I am an achiever. I am smashing my goals - me, I'm doing it! Excellent! I'm also studying for my future, something I've not done for a while. I have two courses on the go - nutrition and weight consultancy, and nlp and life coaching. I'm sure it'll all be personally beneficial and help me to make more sense of my journey. My goal is to be able to do the same for others, first steps I think - to understand that for me.
And perhaps to take a little moment every now and again and be proud of who I am :)
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