Today I've been chatting a lot to a friend about weight loss and weight gain. He's the only person apart from my OH who knows I'm doing LL - well obviously everyone in my group does, my LLC and obviously you - but outside of LL I've only shared with 2 people and he's one of them. He lost a lot of weight for his wedding, and in the year since he's gained it all back and is feeling very down about it - all of this I can relate to (apart from the wedding!) so today I've been counselling him with TA. I didn't actually realise I was at the time, but on my way home from work I was thinking about it, and I was! That's both amused and impressed me. Already in week 2 I can see enough about choices made in child and parent states that I can give him the adult suggestion.
I did some running upstairs today, just because I could and it felt amazing. I could also feel that my muscles were fatiguing in a different way to how they used to, wonder if this is the proper way, and perhaps before it was my head that decided I'd had enough. I also thought today, oddly, that I don't know what hunger feels like. I've identified that what I thought was hunger isn't, but I really don't know if I've ever been hungry. That's appalling, and I am embarrassed to admit that! One thing I do know though, getting this all out of my head and down on (virtual) paper is really doing me good. I think I can recognise that I am an emotional eater at the very least and often I've swallowed my feelings with a multipack of crisps, it's great to get it all down here for me. Long may this continue!
Tuesday, 9 October 2012
Monday, 8 October 2012
Biggest challenge yet...
Urgh.... she's arrived. That awful relative of mine (and all us girls) who knocks on the door uninvited and barges her way in making me feel shocking. Hello Auntie Florence, how wonderful to see you (not). I kind of forgot how absolutely dreadful I feel when she arrives, it's all coming back to me now, and what makes me feel better? Chocolate of course. And cheese. And pizza. And everything else that comes under the category of food I really shouldn't look at if I want to have a healthful life. I've got some pretty strong and effective painkillers from the doc that do the trick and have kept things at bay all weekend, but I forgot that day 3 is usually my worst in terms of pain and bloating and generally feeling like I want to drown in a bath of melted dairy milk. So what did I do - not take a painkiller when I went to bed so I've woken up feeling bleugh. To cement the bleugh, the scales haven't shifted since last night and I can certainly feel it. I need my adult to be very loud in her reasonable voice today, reassuring me that all will be fine in a few hours, it will pass, and it's nowhere near as bad as it has been. Perhaps she could start by telling me to stop weighing myself everytime I go to the bathroom (and given the water consumption, I've now got a pretty accurate picture of my weight fluctuations by the hour!).
Something else to be proud of when I get to the other end of today, I think that's a thought I need to hold on to for the next few hours at least. I really should consider though, normally I'd be floored today, for the morning at least, I'd be sat in a salt water bath several times over then sleeping off the rest of the pain. Today I'm functioning, a little uncomfortable but ok and at work doing my normal daily tasks - on week 2 that's some acheivement. Whether that is down to the change in food intake, the change in weight (already) or the change in my head I don't really mind. All I know is that the pain is real and I can feel it and it hurts, so however it's going is fine by me! Just need to work on the pmt a little..... :). A new phenomenon has hit, one that I never imagined I would get - today, I forgot to "eat". Went for my midday walk, came back, got on with my work. 90 minutes later it occured to me I didn't make a soup. To my other half, this would not be odd, but to me (and I suspect others just like me) who thinks of food before I've even got out of bed, who has no time do do things in the evening as food takes up so much of it, who's first response to any kind of emotional upset, and I mean any kind, is to reach for the junk - it's unthinkable to even contemplate forgetting!
And I've already got so much more time. There are hours between finishing work and settling down for an evenings tv entertainment to do things. I'm working my way through mountains of holiday washing and ironing, I've totally rearranged one of my rooms, and have plans to swap round my two bedrooms in the very near future (I call one of them the room of doom, so it's not the most straightforward of changeovers). This weeks task between the washing and ironing is to clear out the kitchen cupboards - and I will be ruthless! Loving the new me so far, and there is still much further to go!
Something else to be proud of when I get to the other end of today, I think that's a thought I need to hold on to for the next few hours at least. I really should consider though, normally I'd be floored today, for the morning at least, I'd be sat in a salt water bath several times over then sleeping off the rest of the pain. Today I'm functioning, a little uncomfortable but ok and at work doing my normal daily tasks - on week 2 that's some acheivement. Whether that is down to the change in food intake, the change in weight (already) or the change in my head I don't really mind. All I know is that the pain is real and I can feel it and it hurts, so however it's going is fine by me! Just need to work on the pmt a little..... :). A new phenomenon has hit, one that I never imagined I would get - today, I forgot to "eat". Went for my midday walk, came back, got on with my work. 90 minutes later it occured to me I didn't make a soup. To my other half, this would not be odd, but to me (and I suspect others just like me) who thinks of food before I've even got out of bed, who has no time do do things in the evening as food takes up so much of it, who's first response to any kind of emotional upset, and I mean any kind, is to reach for the junk - it's unthinkable to even contemplate forgetting!
And I've already got so much more time. There are hours between finishing work and settling down for an evenings tv entertainment to do things. I'm working my way through mountains of holiday washing and ironing, I've totally rearranged one of my rooms, and have plans to swap round my two bedrooms in the very near future (I call one of them the room of doom, so it's not the most straightforward of changeovers). This weeks task between the washing and ironing is to clear out the kitchen cupboards - and I will be ruthless! Loving the new me so far, and there is still much further to go!
Sunday, 7 October 2012
Astonishing - I keep forgetting to "eat"
I've not posted anything for a few days, seem to have been quite busy just doing stuff I guess, but all is well in the world of ll. In fact, all is very very well. I had a small social event on Friday evening - treated myself to a "proper" coffee to take with me so I didn't feel left out from those purchasing their beverages from the (overpriced!) bar, and, talking of bars, took one with me and munched away. It was fine, nobody noticed, nobody really cared! Yesterday we went to the coast, it was my idea as a bit of a test I think. I don't much care for fish and chips most of the time, but there is something about eating them fresh from paper looking out over the beach on a chilly autumn day that just can't be beat. And then there are the fresh ring donuts...... enough about the food already! Suffice to say, it was my test day. And I'm very proud that I passed the test with flying colours. We even went into a pub where I was made a black coffee as they didn't sell bottled water or have hot drinks for sale - what a lovely lady to make me a nescafe.
So, considering Andrew had a hot, deliciously smelling Greggs sausage roll on the way, and all those temptations there, I think I've rightly earned my proud badge for the day. I was however, entirely pooped when we got back, ended up fast asleep in front of the tv before 9pm, think the sea air wiped me out.
Sunday, we're here again. My arm is much better this week, I should have no issue getting discharged from the fracture clinic on Tuesday, I've not worn my splint all weekend, bit naughty but it all feels fine. Today I had decided I would move the furniture in my room ready for winter (I like to lounge on the sofa nearer to the wall heater in winter, but like the sun in summer). I did it all, moved everything, cleaned everywhere, proper spring clean clean too. The question has to be, if LL is bad for you, and you can't possibly function on 500 odd calories a day, where on earth did all that energy come from? Next on the list are the kitchen cupboards. When I first moved in here I liked to keep my kitchen surfaces clear, over the years (lol, only 4 of them) things have crept onto them as the cupboards have filled, so I'm having a total clear out - why exactly do I need cocktail glasses that have only ever had dust inside them - and will find a place for everything, actifry, slow cooker, veg steamer, all of which will be very useful tools in low fat/low gi cooking once I'm at that stage in my journey, but I want to get that minimalist look back, it's clean and organised and will be representative of my life going forward.
So, considering Andrew had a hot, deliciously smelling Greggs sausage roll on the way, and all those temptations there, I think I've rightly earned my proud badge for the day. I was however, entirely pooped when we got back, ended up fast asleep in front of the tv before 9pm, think the sea air wiped me out.
Sunday, we're here again. My arm is much better this week, I should have no issue getting discharged from the fracture clinic on Tuesday, I've not worn my splint all weekend, bit naughty but it all feels fine. Today I had decided I would move the furniture in my room ready for winter (I like to lounge on the sofa nearer to the wall heater in winter, but like the sun in summer). I did it all, moved everything, cleaned everywhere, proper spring clean clean too. The question has to be, if LL is bad for you, and you can't possibly function on 500 odd calories a day, where on earth did all that energy come from? Next on the list are the kitchen cupboards. When I first moved in here I liked to keep my kitchen surfaces clear, over the years (lol, only 4 of them) things have crept onto them as the cupboards have filled, so I'm having a total clear out - why exactly do I need cocktail glasses that have only ever had dust inside them - and will find a place for everything, actifry, slow cooker, veg steamer, all of which will be very useful tools in low fat/low gi cooking once I'm at that stage in my journey, but I want to get that minimalist look back, it's clean and organised and will be representative of my life going forward.
Thursday, 4 October 2012
Day 8 - How very odd indeed
I got my week one weigh in last night. I'll just keep you in suspenders a little while longer while I explain the oddness. After being much like an excited Andrex puppy all day yesterday (I did manage to contain myself and didn't actually run round the office trailing toilet roll) I got weighed in and just thought yes, that'll do. I'm very happy about it, but mainly kind of serene, basking in the glow of my achievement but in a very low key way. Which is odd. Maybe this is the adult in my being allowed to shine a little. I like it, it's good, I need more of it. And so to the amount.... 11lb. Yes, 11lb. I lost, in just 7 days, a total of 11lb. That's seriously impressive, and I am impressed, but in a way that will look up from doing The Times crossword and give you a faint hint of a smile crossing my lips as you catch my eye over my glasses.... (I've never read The Times by the way, let alone considered doing the crossword, it all feels a bit grown up, maybe I'm starting to feel a bit grown up?).
And so to week 2. I have bars. I'm not entirely sure I'm safe to be let lose with bars, but I've purchased a few to see how it goes. The one good thing, I've got a work function with lunch next week and was having a small panic about having to come clean (I'm doing this in secret for the time being, can't be doing with the armchair experts telling me how dangerous it is!) - should I take a shake, which would end up revealing all, should I take a shake and go have it in the loo, why on earth should I do that, should I take a soup and pray for hot water - but no, the bar has saved me, I'll just have a bar, easy to explain away without it looking a bit weird or needing to rely on things that might not be available. I'm super excited to the possibility of losing a stone in 2 weeks. The best I've done on other plans is being about a pound off after 4 weeks and then taking ages to finally whip off the other pound and get that certificate. I'm also really quite excited that this might actually work, I've said before I'll probably need to see a month or so of decent losses before I'm convinced, but 11lb in one week has gone a good way to pursuading me.
Had a work meeting this morning, one of the type that has biscuits provided. Now, normally I'd sneak one in quickly whilst pouring my coffee, so nobody would notice (a free one so clearly the calories don't need counting) then there would be 2 sat on my saucer to go back to the table with. Quickly polished off, then return for a refill of coffee and biscuits and go circulate so you're not going back to the same table with 2 more biscuits. Arrive early enough at the meeting, and I reckon I could get into double biscuit figures before the meeting started. But not today. Today I had a coffee. Then I had another coffee. Then I drank my litre of water. Then I filled it up. I ran up the stairs to the loo (a few times after all that liquid) and had a surge of energy very alien to me. Not complaining though, it felt good. What felt REALLY GOOD though, and I seriously would not have ever expected in a million months of Sundays to be saying this - the sense of achievement and how proud I felt of myself for not having a biscuit. Small things maybe, but those small steps eventually got us to the moon....
And so to week 2. I have bars. I'm not entirely sure I'm safe to be let lose with bars, but I've purchased a few to see how it goes. The one good thing, I've got a work function with lunch next week and was having a small panic about having to come clean (I'm doing this in secret for the time being, can't be doing with the armchair experts telling me how dangerous it is!) - should I take a shake, which would end up revealing all, should I take a shake and go have it in the loo, why on earth should I do that, should I take a soup and pray for hot water - but no, the bar has saved me, I'll just have a bar, easy to explain away without it looking a bit weird or needing to rely on things that might not be available. I'm super excited to the possibility of losing a stone in 2 weeks. The best I've done on other plans is being about a pound off after 4 weeks and then taking ages to finally whip off the other pound and get that certificate. I'm also really quite excited that this might actually work, I've said before I'll probably need to see a month or so of decent losses before I'm convinced, but 11lb in one week has gone a good way to pursuading me.
Had a work meeting this morning, one of the type that has biscuits provided. Now, normally I'd sneak one in quickly whilst pouring my coffee, so nobody would notice (a free one so clearly the calories don't need counting) then there would be 2 sat on my saucer to go back to the table with. Quickly polished off, then return for a refill of coffee and biscuits and go circulate so you're not going back to the same table with 2 more biscuits. Arrive early enough at the meeting, and I reckon I could get into double biscuit figures before the meeting started. But not today. Today I had a coffee. Then I had another coffee. Then I drank my litre of water. Then I filled it up. I ran up the stairs to the loo (a few times after all that liquid) and had a surge of energy very alien to me. Not complaining though, it felt good. What felt REALLY GOOD though, and I seriously would not have ever expected in a million months of Sundays to be saying this - the sense of achievement and how proud I felt of myself for not having a biscuit. Small things maybe, but those small steps eventually got us to the moon....
Wednesday, 3 October 2012
The end of the first week of my different life
It's Wednesday. To say I'm excited would be a massive understatement. I'm positively giddy at the prospect of what I may have acheived in week one. I can't honestly believe either, that it's a full week since I last ate food - given the vast quantities I felt I needed in order to stay alive (how ironic) - I've put the fuel packs in and that's it. And it's been considerably easier than I thought it would be. I planned for pain and anguish and days of being a total mardymare, but on the whole it's been pretty good. I've made a start on the TA stuff, starting reading some of the suggested books and made time for me, just me, to clear my head of the day to day and think about how I maybe found myself where I am now. It's been very interesting so far and I'm sure there is more to come. I'm itching to get on the online forum, but are waiting for my LLC to change my status on her system - why hasn't she done it yet! I keep reading the posts on there and I'm dying to join in.
So, review of the week - the packs - they've actually all been ok. I've read on the forums that there isn't much choice and there should be more cause they get a bit samey - someone suggested pizza! Kind of missing the entire point of LL in my view - it's not food, it shouldn't look like food, it's fuel, in a variety of flavours and guises so we're not totally put off from being able to get it inside our bodies where it can go work it's magic. Didn't much care for the porridge but having made it with more water than suggested, it's much improved, chicken soup doesn't have a great deal of taste for me, the others are preferable. Tried all the shakes apart from banana, that's a big no-no for me. Just got the summer berries to have tonight, all good so far and I love the vanilla. Not too keen on chilli con carne but it's ok.
All in all, I'm pretty impressed with my first week. It's a strange and odd thing to be removed from the pressures of eating, and I honestly didn't consider eating in that way before now. Taking a step back from it, it's so easy to see how people like me who are so very easily pursuaded can overeat - food is everywhere, being rammed down your throat with advertising and special offers, huge pictures of delicious pasties - well they used to look like that but now I'm viewing them like Pauline Quirkes sausage roll explanation - smell lovely but really just fat flour and water mushed together and rolled round a piece of dodgy meat!
So, review of the week - the packs - they've actually all been ok. I've read on the forums that there isn't much choice and there should be more cause they get a bit samey - someone suggested pizza! Kind of missing the entire point of LL in my view - it's not food, it shouldn't look like food, it's fuel, in a variety of flavours and guises so we're not totally put off from being able to get it inside our bodies where it can go work it's magic. Didn't much care for the porridge but having made it with more water than suggested, it's much improved, chicken soup doesn't have a great deal of taste for me, the others are preferable. Tried all the shakes apart from banana, that's a big no-no for me. Just got the summer berries to have tonight, all good so far and I love the vanilla. Not too keen on chilli con carne but it's ok.
All in all, I'm pretty impressed with my first week. It's a strange and odd thing to be removed from the pressures of eating, and I honestly didn't consider eating in that way before now. Taking a step back from it, it's so easy to see how people like me who are so very easily pursuaded can overeat - food is everywhere, being rammed down your throat with advertising and special offers, huge pictures of delicious pasties - well they used to look like that but now I'm viewing them like Pauline Quirkes sausage roll explanation - smell lovely but really just fat flour and water mushed together and rolled round a piece of dodgy meat!
Tuesday, 2 October 2012
Day 6 - Brain fog and tiredness
I think I might not be drinking enough water. I'm trying to do 2 litres a day measured with coffee and an odd glass or two on top of that, but I didn't quite do it over the weekend and failed miserably yesterday. All of which leads me to conclude I'm dehydrated in a way I've not been before and it's affecting my brain! Today I've had trouble stringing a sentence together, I can speak of course, but a word will just evaporate from my head in the middle of a sentence just before it is due to venture forth from my mouth. And I'm tired, really tired. So, google being your friend and all that.... I learnt today that mild dehydration thickens your blood a little, so it's harder work to get it round your body, using more energy, hence the tiredness. So, that's good news then, I may have failed to provide enough flushing facilities, but at least I'll still be burning off some belly. I've tried to make amends but I fear I may be doing that mending for a few days before I've caught up. I feel ok, apart from the tiredness. I'm sleeping very well and getting enough hours in, so it must be down to the water situation.
Well, it's week 1 weigh in tomorrow, wonder how I'll do. I'm keen to know but also very nervous, I really want to see a difference with this plan so it'll need to be a big number for me - dare I even hope for double figures? Clearly not every week, but I always get a decent number in week one on most plans - I need this one to be different! I keep looking at my colourless flowers, I'm itching to give them some life! Bought new pencils and everything, Crayola no less. One thing though - wind - I think it's another feeling I've mistaken for hunger. Trapped wind rolling round inside me. I was thinking it was thirst rather than hunger cause I'm a bit dehydrated, so I've been watering it profusely, but to no avail and it's just got worse and worse and worse. My head is saying it can't be hunger so it must be something else, and by bedtime, I'm in agony. Swift rub of the chest and almost instant relief - so, mistaken bodily function feeling number 2 - it's wind, not a need for a McDonalds.
Well, it's week 1 weigh in tomorrow, wonder how I'll do. I'm keen to know but also very nervous, I really want to see a difference with this plan so it'll need to be a big number for me - dare I even hope for double figures? Clearly not every week, but I always get a decent number in week one on most plans - I need this one to be different! I keep looking at my colourless flowers, I'm itching to give them some life! Bought new pencils and everything, Crayola no less. One thing though - wind - I think it's another feeling I've mistaken for hunger. Trapped wind rolling round inside me. I was thinking it was thirst rather than hunger cause I'm a bit dehydrated, so I've been watering it profusely, but to no avail and it's just got worse and worse and worse. My head is saying it can't be hunger so it must be something else, and by bedtime, I'm in agony. Swift rub of the chest and almost instant relief - so, mistaken bodily function feeling number 2 - it's wind, not a need for a McDonalds.
Monday, 1 October 2012
Day 5 - ooooh I say!
I think it's arrived! The euphoria that is. I dreamt of a helicopter crashing, it was a gentle flip into some water and nobody was hurt - don't know if that's at all relevant but it's notable for me because of the vibrancy of it. Of course it's entirely possible the WY police helicopter was doing it's rounds close by at the time, but I do generally wake up when it does - annoying - but, I wonder, maybe the effect is more sounder sleeping rather than a nod to the amazing detail in my dream?
Anyhow, it started to kick in yesterday, I was so tired earlier on I couldn't keep my eyes open in the waiting room when I went for my scan but by the time I got home, the thought of a snoozy had all but disappeared and I even had a bit of a late night for me (almost 11!). Had to get up once in the night to pay a visit, the curse of all this water, or maybe the flushing out of the last of the glycogen stores, but other than that, slept very soundly indeed. Quite refreshing for a normally very light sleeper disturbed by the slightest sound. This morning I almost leapt out of bed (bit of a sore still fractured arm and dodgy knees taken into account...) with a level of waking energy I'm really not familiar with. Jumped on my scales - naughty I know, but it works for me, totally unofficial cause I purposely didn't compare like for like to know how far mine are out, in an attempt to start breaking this unpleasant habit - and it's looking good! Ketostix are darker so I know I'm using my belly to get me through the day. That's an amazing feeling, I have become the ultimate self sufficient machine!
Felt good all day really, work colleagues had that Monday morning feeling and it didn't affect me or have me thinking what I'd done wrong. I missed out on a meeting I should have been invited to, it would have had me heading for the vending machine seeking a friendly twix to tell my woes to a week ago - what honestly popped into my head today? "Well, you've all lost out on my input today, some of which could have been valuable and improved your day" - that's a massive step forward for me, and long may it last! I'm having a bit of an inner conflict though, with wanting to get up and on with things, and trying to get used to being a bit kinder to myself and allowing my body this first week to adjust to the differences I've just slammed it with. I had a notion earlier to tackle the 6 flights of stairs, had a swift word with myself and took the lift - one for the future though I do think. I'm a bit frustrated that I still can't get on the LL forums, I'm itching to add my bit and seek the advice of others, will have to email the support team tonight I think. So for tonight, it'll be my first soap Monday without the support of a comforting pack of Maltesers or 4. I'm not missing food, was thinking about it on the way home. I'm curious to know more and do this in a speedy way. Came across someone on the forums today who'd dropped 199lb since January - that's seriously impressive!
Anyhow, it started to kick in yesterday, I was so tired earlier on I couldn't keep my eyes open in the waiting room when I went for my scan but by the time I got home, the thought of a snoozy had all but disappeared and I even had a bit of a late night for me (almost 11!). Had to get up once in the night to pay a visit, the curse of all this water, or maybe the flushing out of the last of the glycogen stores, but other than that, slept very soundly indeed. Quite refreshing for a normally very light sleeper disturbed by the slightest sound. This morning I almost leapt out of bed (bit of a sore still fractured arm and dodgy knees taken into account...) with a level of waking energy I'm really not familiar with. Jumped on my scales - naughty I know, but it works for me, totally unofficial cause I purposely didn't compare like for like to know how far mine are out, in an attempt to start breaking this unpleasant habit - and it's looking good! Ketostix are darker so I know I'm using my belly to get me through the day. That's an amazing feeling, I have become the ultimate self sufficient machine!
Felt good all day really, work colleagues had that Monday morning feeling and it didn't affect me or have me thinking what I'd done wrong. I missed out on a meeting I should have been invited to, it would have had me heading for the vending machine seeking a friendly twix to tell my woes to a week ago - what honestly popped into my head today? "Well, you've all lost out on my input today, some of which could have been valuable and improved your day" - that's a massive step forward for me, and long may it last! I'm having a bit of an inner conflict though, with wanting to get up and on with things, and trying to get used to being a bit kinder to myself and allowing my body this first week to adjust to the differences I've just slammed it with. I had a notion earlier to tackle the 6 flights of stairs, had a swift word with myself and took the lift - one for the future though I do think. I'm a bit frustrated that I still can't get on the LL forums, I'm itching to add my bit and seek the advice of others, will have to email the support team tonight I think. So for tonight, it'll be my first soap Monday without the support of a comforting pack of Maltesers or 4. I'm not missing food, was thinking about it on the way home. I'm curious to know more and do this in a speedy way. Came across someone on the forums today who'd dropped 199lb since January - that's seriously impressive!
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