Firstly, I have to say that this can't be about food, if I sit here writing about food then I'll be hungry. More than that, I'll start craving all the things I want to have that I can't have, just because I can't have them and writing about them has put them in my head. It's basically as simple as that, I think about a food, I want it, I usually go get it, and then of course, I usually eat it. That's what got me into this mess. So, enough about food.
This is day one of my Lighterlife journey. So far so good, but it's only 11am. I'm told today will be pretty hellish, tomorrow worse, Saturday a write off, but it'll all be worth in on Sunday when I will wake up feeling amazing. Even at this stage, when I can recognise that my issues with food are in my head, and that's what needs addressing, I can be positive enough about myself to consider that my future is worth 3 days of hell, particularly with that promised rainbow to greet my awakening on day 4. I'm looking forward to having the tools to discover things about myself that will help me to say no to bad choices, hoping maybe too that the same tools will help in all areas of my life. When I started to consider "doing" Lighterlife, I started to think about maybe how this all started, how far back does it go, what triggered the way I think and feel. I've got some reasons, some incidents, some ways of dealing with things that are probably quite relevant to my current waistline, I guess time will tell if they really are, and maybe I can move on to a better future. I know my issues are much more than just making bad choices from not knowing any better. I do know better, I know how to read food labels, I know how to cook without adding fat, I know that a fresh salad actually tastes great and makes me feel good, I know what a portion of just about anything looks like. But still my head says it's ok to order 2 meals from the chinese cause that'll save the delivery charge, then eat them together til I feel sick, it's ok to buy 5 packets of maltesers and eat them all watching the soaps on a Monday evening, it's ok to buy a family sized packet of crisps and empty the entire packet without even registering the eating part (funny how surprised I can be when I put my hand in and there's nothing there, same happens with maltesers) and surely everybody knows that if you open a packet of chocolate hobnobs, they go stale in under an hour and must be consumed instantly?
So here I am, eagerly looking forward to the new me emerging from under this fat suit I feel like I've been wearing forever - funny to note that I at least recognise, and have for some time, that I wasn't always fat, I just felt I was in my head, and I just grew into that person I always felt I was. I know I need to work out my triggers, and work out strategies to deal with them. Work stress is one of them, sometimes dealing with idiots drives me up the wall, and to the vending machine, I need to learn how to be a bit less bothered I think, at the end of the day (I so hate that phrase!) it's just a job, and it's much much less important than me and my future :)
And so to the end of the day. I considered today that I needed to do something different at times I would normally be eating - pretty much most of the day then! - so, my break around 12ish (as it is to be known from here on in) I popped off to the shops to buy myself a little treat for this evening; a bathbomb. I also got myself a mid year diary to log packs, water and general feelings (got some special smilie stickers too!) with a nice purple pen. Came home and made up a chilli con carne pack, as I would usually "eat" later on. It was ok, quite spicy. Had a lovely bath with candles and my bathbomb, which gave me chance to reflect on day one. I feel ok, it wasn't hell. I don't feel amazing but I didn't expect to, didn't feel amazing yesterday so it's not like it's a feeling that's been squashed over the day. Started to think about memories and where it could have all started, it was an interesting journey in my head for a short while. I now find myself heading towards bed, still with a pack to go, and generally not feeling hungry today. I wonder what tomorrow will bring...
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