And I don't like it. I mean, I really don't like it. After the daft carb blow out I got to thinking long and hard about why I did it. I'm not sure I reached a conclusion as such, but I do know that the saggy excess skin is bothering me. And I know that it's bothering me cause I'm going on holiday next week. I want to be as toned under the clothes as I look on the top. I caught a look from my other half looking at my dreadful belly and it really stuck there in my head, I can see that look now without even closing my eyes, and it's in there, and it's bothered me. Probably more than I can say out loud. It's really very difficult to adjust to being a small person, particularly the very small person that turned out to be hiding under all that blubber. When I was a kid I was always the tallest, right to being in my early teens I was always head and shoulder above everyone else, the boys as well as the girls, so that defined who I was - Nicola the very tall girl. Of course I'd just hit my growth spurt years before any of them, and as a teenager I didn't get any taller, and felt like I was shrinking as everyone else began to tower above me. I think that may have been a point where I've subconciously decided to become that stand out person again, but in a different way. I've always felt big - there was not really any difference in my head between being tall big and being fat big, I always felt big. So it would seem I just grew into the person I always felt I was. Stay with me, I'll get to the point of these ramblings in a moment. I'm 41 years old, and for as far back as I can remember, I've been a big person. That is who I am, that is my entire being. Now I'm not. I really have to stand up poker straight to reach 5'5 and I fit nicely into petite cut clothes. Despite my big hands and size 7 feet, I'm actually quite diddy. And that's the bit I'm really really struggling with. All this extra skin is putting a spanner in the works for me accepting what I see in the mirror cause I can't see beyond it. I'm really trying very hard to, but I don't know how to do it.
So, that's how come, on day 193 I decided the summer break would start. I decided that until I return from my holidays I can eat what I want, when I want, in the volumes I want. And boy, have I done that. But here's where the difference is in a real mind shift that I need to record and recognise and reward myself for. Although I feel as "naughty" as I did before when I had blow out binges, and I do feel I've had blow out binges, when I look at what I've actually had, the volume and the calories - it's tiny in comparison to the "before binge". That in itself is something really very huge for my head. And here's the next thing - I don't like it. I don't like feeling icky and bleugh. I don't like feeling too full. I don't like that I feel out of control. I certainly don't like the hideous stomach cramps, hate that all afternoon I'm waiting for the clock to tick by til leaving time so I can get home and go to the toilet, don't like that I feel so tired, so lethagic, so blooming awful. Carbs put me in a coma!
Turning into a bit of an experiment by noting how I feel after different things, I think the main culprits are the sugars. I had flapjack and was in agony a couple of hours later. Crisps don't seem to have the same intensity of effect, but cakes and biscuits clearly don't work for me. All of these years of hideous gynae pain too - so much of that reduced and on most days actually gone without carbs - this week - it's back. I've started to exercise again and then my knee pain is back with a vengance, and disproportionately to the exercise I was taking - I may have an injury, or it's more likely to be the carb effect.
So, here's what I'm doing. I go on holiday in 3 days (3 days at this time we'll be above the clouds and on our way to our beloved Icmeler). I want to have a drink at 7am at the airport cause that's what holidays are all about, I want to get a little bit tiddled on the plane and I want to enjoy the first Efes from the stop off point on the transfer, all warm and overpriced. So, I'm staying as I am. I'll likely avoid the sugary stuff in the main, but I will eat bread, I will eat fruit, I will eat crisps. Also, I will be sensible. I will have a wonderful week in the sun with my fiance and I will put my wobbly worries to the back of my head. We'll walk a lot, I may even swim a lot. I will eat when and what I want.
And you never know, I might even come back a bit more toned. And when I do return, it's ketosis time again for me :)
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